Dealing with problem gamer kids

In my practice I see adolescents (and adults) engaging in software misuse, especially problem video gaming. When parents contact me I am often told that their son or daughter, has stopped or near stopped interacting with the outside world, that they have become smelly, avoidant, ratty and aggressive (sometimes to the point of violence). That they easily play for ten hours a day, miss meals and either see their behaviour as a problem or state that there is no problem at all.

These parents who are full of frustration, fear and good intentions tell me how they've been meeting the problem, to which I often give them the following advice.

Be sure to separate the adolescents' behaviour from the adolescents' character and worth.

It's a really important that you talk about the problem behaviour associated with software misuse, as separate to your sons or daughters character and worth. It is important to validate them while calmly addressing the problem behaviour.

A lot of parents tell me of their sons or daughters being "feral ... a nightmare ... a brat", etc, and of using language that is shaming and denigrating. It is very understandable to feel extremely frustrated but this style of parenting is counter-productive, damaging and adds another negative layer of complexity to the relationship cake.

Parents who are explicitly validating of their adolescent's identity but are calm and firm with a focus on healthy software behaviour experience a more positive, more open and collaborative relationship. It's no panacea, but it does help.

So, avoid putdowns and character assassinations at all costs. Address the behaviour without labelling the person.

Behaviours are developed and maintained because of specific conditions. Understanding the conditions better equips you in addressing the behaviour.

Before you tell your adolescent to stop and you remove the software, it is useful to be aware of the path that led them to this point and the conditions that keep them where they are. Ideally, it is really good if you're able to discuss this with them.

It is also very important to practice calmness, compassion and curiosity when trying to understand the cause(s) of the behaviour. Hostility and aggression will decrease your adolescent's motivation to be open and can lead to them to learning that honesty equals punishment or pain. This can then result in covert acts of defiance by accessing the software, overt hostile opposition or submissive behaviour which will serve them no good in the outside world.

Any successful behaviour change depends on understanding the supporting conditions of the problem behaviour and working on those conditions.

Habits are human-made and so can be remade.

Software misuse is not a behaviour that is separate to principles of human psychology. Just as bad habits form under specific conditions, so to do good habits.

One reason that gaming and software use can be so compelling is because of the frequent and reliable direct and indirect rewards it gives the user. Give some thought to how you incentivise your preferred behaviour. While you're at it, look up the definition of intrinsic motivation, or just ask me.

Consider what feedback you give to the preferred behaviour compared to the problematic behaviour. See how you can improve on this.

Significant change can also require a positive change in the family unit.

There are often opportunities to be gained by the family when working together in addressing the problem behaviour. It doesn't mean that the family is really unhealthy but, like servicing your car, the family can benefit from having a 'tune-up'.

Don't be afraid to include yourself in the change process. Consider the benefit of role modelling: the fact that it's a very good thing to develop oneself and improve upon problem areas. Sometimes they need to see how you do it before they give it a go.

Often, involving the family unit is an excellent way to benefit the individual family member.

Behaviours serve a purpose. Sometimes cutting out or significantly reducing access may make things worse and not address the underlying need.

Every behaviour is driven by a want or need. If the problem behaviour is central to a major want or need, removing it can cause additional and significant distress. For example, your adolescent may have social anxiety, only able to connect with their peers and like-minded people via the online community.

Blocking the problem behaviour may resolve the issue of excessive use but leave them completely disconnected from the world. This may then result in increased feelings of depression and low self-esteem.

Or, you may have a traumatised son or daughter whose only way of coping with traumatic memories is by immersing themselves in their software. In this instance, removing access blocks them from the only way they are able to cope and leaves them exposed to extremely distressing and uncontrollable thoughts and feelings.

Understand the behaviour's purpose and find a different way to meet the need.

What do I want gamers/software users to know?

Have an opinion about what too much gaming looks like. Is it the number of hours in one sitting? Is it the mood you're in if you don't get to play? Is it when you are spending more and more time thinking about it? Is it when your world starts to shrink?

Realise when you're too absorbed in your software/gaming. Realise what that looks like. Make sure you're playing for the right reasons and be clear with yourself about what healthy gaming looks like. Finally, decide for yourself what would need to happen before you seek help, and if you should really go that far before getting it ... It's always easier if you start sooner rather than later.

Be aware of when other areas of your life are shrivelling because of the software use. Enthusiastic gaming is fine, but be courageous when it comes time to seek help.

I am glad you taken the time to read this. I hope you found it useful. If you have any questions do let me know.

• Emil Hodzic, is a Psychologist with over seven years of practice experience. He has a background in community mental health rehabilitation recovery and relapse prevention, problem gambling and software misuse. He continues to enjoy working for both the public and private sector, supporting people with a broad range of life challenges.

• He can be reached at ask@videogameaddictiontreatment.com.au

• The Video Game Addiction Treatment Clinic - www.videogameaddictiontreatment.com.au