Women Are Sharing The Worst Weaponized Incompetence They've Ever Seen From A Partner, And I Am Begging Men To Step Up And Do Better
You've probably heard the term "weaponized incompetence" thrown around quite a bit in the last few years, mostly thanks to the term gaining popularity on TikTok. Basically, it refers to when a partner pretends not to know how to do something in order to get out of doing it. Re: laundry, grocery shopping, etc. It's not exclusive to a certain gender, but straight men tend to be the ones who do it the most.
Paramount
Cooper (@Cooperstreaming), a 30-year-old disability advocate and real estate investor from Los Angeles, California, recently went viral for proving just how prevalent weaponized incompetence can be. After seeing a man on Twitter share that he was "shocked" weaponized incompetence is a real thing, Cooper tweeted out asking people to share their most "absurd" experiences as a rebuttal.
Someone in my mentions was stunned that weaponized incompetence "is a real thing".Understandable. This is a new term for an old behavior. But for fun, as a treat, how about we share our most absurd experiences of weaponized incompetence.
— Cooper (@Cooperstreaming) June 6, 2023
"To me, it was wild that anyone would question its existence, but I realized it's a relatively new term to describe a very old behavior pattern," Cooper told BuzzFeed. "Rather than argue with somebody who seemed to be asking in good faith, I told him I would post about it and he could read the responses. I can't usually predict exactly what's going to gain traction on Twitter, but I knew many people, especially women, would have a lot to say on the topic."
Cooper herself also has personal experience with weaponized incompetence. In fact, she ended a relationship over it. "The breaking point was when he didn't file the paperwork necessary for our international marriage to be legal, saying it was too hard to make the phone calls and he didn't know what to do. Eventually he had his mummy pick up the slack. We were in our late 20s, the man knew how to google and pick up a phone. Because we were citizens of different countries, timing was tight and getting paperwork done was vital to everything working. I remember this moment as the one where I realized that it didn't matter how important the situation was or how much was on the line, he would simply claim he didn't know how until I (or his mother) picked up the slack. He would let things fall apart before handling his life himself. I refused to marry into a lifetime of parenting this man, and shortly after this, I walked away."
Unsurprisingly, most of those who responded to Cooper's Twitter thread were women sharing their own stories of when a male partner dropped the ball. And yes, they're just as frustrating as you'd imagine. Here's just a few:
1.
My ex put bleach in a dark load intentionally. When I asked why, he said, "Because I don't want to do laundry, and you will never ask me to do it again!"
— Ruthann (@rjkretser) June 7, 2023
2.
My ex tried to tell me he didn’t know how to use bleach in the washing machine. I’m like you put it in the hole next to the detergent that says “bleach”. He’s a software architect that makes 6 figures.
— B (they/them) (@normalishvegan) June 6, 2023
3.
I asked my ex (a 40 year old man who’d been living on his own for 20 yrs) if he’d boil some water in the kettle for me. And he asked “How do I do that?” To be clear, this was his house, his stove, and his kettle.
— Kelly Mangan (She/Her) 🏳️🌈 (@KellyAMangan) June 7, 2023
4.
My husband: I dont know where to put the dishes away. Its confusingAlso my husband: I know the location of all parts in my warehouse, my inventory is organized perfectly.Me: and yet you dont know where dishes are stored
— Melissa 🇨🇦 (@discoprincess) June 6, 2023
5.
I asked my ex to clean the tv stand/tv (dust). Showed him what to use. I look over & he’s using the wrong thing on the tv screen, which could do damage. I say something. He says “Well if I can’t do it YOUR WAY I guess I just won’t do it anymore, since I can’t do anything right.”
— Tater Tot Girl Summer McGee (@tatertotsmcgee) June 6, 2023
6.
My ex refused to clean his bathroom and when he moved out the faucet wasn’t working and I learned he hadn’t showered in at least 6 weeks and was just using baby wipes.
— Attack Kangaroo: A Baela stan account (@marie_ghost) June 6, 2023
7.
My ex refused to ever wipe down surfaces.The kitchen counter after doing dishes, dusting the living room, cleaning the shower/toilet, etc.He claimed that my “cleaning standards were too high” & said he could “never make me happy,” despite me telling him exactly what would.
— TheFitFem ”강페미“ (@the_fit_fem) June 6, 2023
8.
The men in my family can fix engines, computers and do home repairs but act like breaking down a box for recycling is impossible.
— JulieAnne Stark (@StarkJulieanne) June 6, 2023
9.
I would ask my ex to handle dinner for us on days where I worked 3 or more of my 5 jobs. He would typically either 1) ask me to list the things we had available to make in the house or 2) order out and get me to pay for my half.
— Lauren bIm Allen (@lesmis456) June 7, 2023
10.
My dad is 73 and claims not to know how to run the washing machine.
— Thee Rev. Dr. Boudyka (@bdk1521) June 6, 2023
11.
One of the final straws for me regarding my soon-to-be-ex-husband was that he told me he couldn’t fold his own T-shirt while sitting down. I hadn’t even put the T-shirt in his vicinity to have him fold it- I just rested it by him. I looked at him like he had three heads.
— 𝕻𝖍𝖎𝖑𝖎𝖕𝖕𝖆 𝕸𝖆𝕼𝖚𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖊🌹 Erotic Author (@eroauthorPMQ) June 6, 2023
12.
My husband never cooked and never planned meals and went to the store. He moved out to live with his much younger girlfriend without so much as telling me or the kids, and the next week I ran into him at the grocery story pushing his cart and buying all the things!
— Grace KL (@GracekL1) June 8, 2023
13.
“Can you clean the mirror?”“What do I use for that?”“Glass cleaner.”“Where do we keep that?”“With all the other cleaning supplies, same place since we moved here six years ago.”“What does it look like?”“It - it’s blue and labeled Glass Cleaner.”“Oh. How do you use it?”
— Caroline Mincks (@saucymincks) June 7, 2023
14.
I was working 2 jobs and going to college full-time, and I got home & my boyfriend who didn’t have to work had cooked dinner, so I asked what we were eating. He said he only made enough for himself because he didn’t know what foods I liked.We had been together over a year.
— The Lady Becks (@bexforce99) June 8, 2023
15.
I PERSONALLY know someone that told their wife “I’m the type of person that will purposely mess up so that you won’t ask me again.” They are divorced today. 🫶🏽🙌🏽
— Ashlee (@tweetwithashlee) June 7, 2023
So, yes...weaponized incompetence is indeed real, and it must be stopped. Men, do better!!!
Netflix
When asked why she thinks this is such a pervasive issue, especially with male-female couples, Cooper responded, "Anyone can enact this behavior, but if we are zeroing in on why its so pervasive in cishet couples, especially surrounding domestic labor, the simple answer is that people don't like to give up privilege. Why put in effort when you've always been able to get by without giving any?"
She continued, "Women are still expected to perform the majority of domestic labor. Work that is coded as female is often looked down upon, and boys grow up in a world that chastises and brutalizes them for anything seen as feminine, while teaching them that women are responsible for running and organizing their lives."
NBC
In terms of what she thinks needs to change in order to stop weaponized incompetence from ruining women's lives, Cooper told BuzzFeed, "We can't control the behaviors of others, all we can do is control how we respond. Women have started refusing to accept this behavior. Our ability to share stories on social media can give us insight into our shared experiences. Having a name for what is happening, 'weaponized incompetence,' allows people to articulate what is happening to them and realize they aren't imagining it."
"I think there's also so much to be said about raising boys with a better model of behavior and equity within the home, and not raising little girls as if they are mini parents, in charge of ensuring the behavior and compliance of the boys," she said. "This happens all the time, where we expect discipline and organization from girls at a very young age, and task them with keeping boys in line."
VH1
In closing, Cooper had this to say: "Weaponized incompetence truly isn't unique to a gender or a certain type of person. But because its so prevalent in the home, and it's so often exercised around tasks that are coded as feminine, it's worth examining how we train boys to feel above this work. Misogyny can be insidious."
ABC
