Fifty shades of disappointment

I admit I’m a sucker for hype. I love a bit of excitement.

I did however, try to resist the whirlpool of anticipation over what was dubbed the most hotly anticipated film of the year.

But curiosity got the better of me. So I agreed to see the film with a bunch of girlfriends.

We met up early for sushi and a glass of wine. We went the whole hog, chomping on choc tops and sharing sweets smuggled in from Coles (only suckers pay full price for Maltesers).

The men in our lives were told to be on standby later in the night. This movie was meant to put women in a ‘certain mood’.

But this is the wave of emotions I felt instead:

Anticipation. It’s a runaway best seller novel. Surely millions of women around the world can’t collectively be that off the mark.

Shortly followed by surprise. At how terrible the dialogue was. I did have a fair idea though, after struggling through five chapters of the first book beforehand.

Disappointment. Mr Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, didn't tick any of my boxes.

Shock horror. I had never heard of some of the bedroom (or ‘playroom’) acts. And hope I can erase the thought of them eventually.

Disgust. The whole story line is flawed. There is little mention of the fact that Christian Grey is a victim of child sexual abuse. That doesn’t validate his sadistic fetishes one bit.

Disturbed. The idea of women consenting to acts of violence doesn't go down well with me.

Boredom. The entire audience was rolling their eyes into the back of their heads. Between laughing. And yawning. I’m convinced us ladies would have had a better time watching the sushi train go round and round for two hours.

Gratitude. That I didn’t bring my partner. I’d made him sit through ‘Gone Girl’ the week before. I don’t know if our relationship could stomach this one.

Relief. When the credits came up. Sure, I had lost 120 minutes of my life. But at least it was spent with friends. And now I could go home.

News break – February 16