Restaurant reviewer feels full fury of cafe owner

Every restaurant can cop a bad review every once in a while.

But this one sent a Bondi cafe owner over the edge, causing him to launch one of the most spectacular rants seen in food review history.

The rant, which goes for several paragraphs and even includes a brief English lesson, was sparked by just six words.

"Dirty. Ants. Burnt food. Extortionate prices".

Those words from Sydney diner Paul, left on the cafe's Facebook page, certainly left its mark on the cafe's owner.

At first, the response seemed pretty civil.

"Paul, I'm shocked to hear that you didn't love the food and enjoy the vibe. I am sorry you were so disappointed."

But it quickly turned, and the cafe owner certainly didn't hold back.

"Paul, ever heard of the 'scarcity mentality'? Mate, your review and star rating differ wildly from how your table behaved to the manager's face, let alone the average [rating] on Facebook. It's always so easy to take such categorical, and damaging pot-shots from afar on public sites like Facebook, rather than...report [or] query something and enable...a process of review to be undertaken and a win-win solution to be found," they said.

"Your table said that you weren't happy with the amount of maple, for instance. Well, for one, we actually use REAL maple syrup at $50 per litre! But why not just politely ask for some more at the time instead of waiting until 10pm that night to take revenge?

"Do you know how to...simultaneously manage ten, Gen-Y part-timers so well, that you are able to ubiquitously catch every sloppy act of laziness (and there are more than you can ever prepare or train for these days), across a menu that has so many components and potential pit-falls before they are almost certainly pounced upon by the average, 'scarcity-based, pumped-up, myopic consumer-come-casual-social-media-activist-OUTRAGE-readied-advocate' for unreasonably great food, at unreasonably cheap prices, in impossible time frames??? Well, if you haven't, I don't really recommend it.

"The fact that we nail it nearly every time, in spite of the anomalous mind of the casual cafe worker, and work our guts out employing people who risk nothing and ALWAYS get paid, in stark contrast to most business owners, lately, is compounding when some absolute ignoramus circumvents reason, and intelligence, to stand in front of other people having a great time and launches an attack and abuses the manager/owner. That sort of behavior is pathological. Nuff said."

The rant briefly turned into an English lesson.

"HYPERBOLE:
Some context for [definition]: Extortionate (of a price) much too high; exorbitant.
'Pound2,700 for that guitar is extortionate.'

Synonyms: exorbitant, excessively high, excessive, sky-high, outrageous, preposterous, immoderate, unreasonable, inordinate, prohibitive, ruinous, punitive, inflated, more than one can afford."

But soon it returned to the matter at hand, and the cafe owner took aim at Paul's points.

"Ants? Wtf? Why didn't you behave like any well-meaning, community-minded person and just let us know. It's news to us.

"Burnt???? Why did you just eat it? Why not ask for a replacement? Maybe, because you ate them, and you can't really send [an empty plate] back? Would you then, therefore, eat a glass laced omelette just because it was served up to you at a cafe? I think not!"

Not even Paul's one-star rating was able to escape the ire of the owner.

"One star out of five. That's so harsh - as low as one can go. How could you manage to fake your presumable utter disdain so well that the manager could not detect your reprehensible truth laying just below the surface. Did you eat them all? Was the fruit fresh?"

However, it seemed that the owner decided to end on a conciliatory note.

"Paul, I am a forgiving person, and I hope you take this in the spirit that it is intended. Bear in mind, that you just shat on my art, in public, yet your ratings languish some 3 stars from the average."

"I hope you will come in again, soon, and allow me a fair trial as I'm certain this time you will understand why we have been here for seven years as the rest have come and gone."
And then one final offer.

"Please PM if you are prepared to eat like a man!"