Get your bet on
Ahh, early November - the only time of year when you can have a betting website open on your work computer or walk into a TAB before noon on a weekday and not be looked on as a degenerate.
There are many things associated with the Melbourne Cup - the theatre of sport, tradition, the phenomenon of bogans behaving worse than normal because they're in a suit/fancy dress.
And, of course, there's gambling.
We lay down the equivalent of a small nation's annual GDP on bets each year - but even if you don't know Gai Waterhouse from Clive Waterhouse, there are still ways to feel a part of the big day.
DO: * *accept you're going to lose *
Look, we all hope to win but there's a reason new betting agencies seem to be popping up all the time: they make money off gamblers. Samuel L. Jackson doesn't come cheap y'know. Only bet what you're happy to lose.
DON'T: * *listen to "experts" *
There's always one mate or colleague who will all of a sudden make out like he or she is the doyen of horseracing. In fact, they just overheard a couple of seconds of someone being interviewed on TV and took that opinion as their own. They'll be dealing out advice all over the shop but they really know just as much as you do: nothing.
DO: * *go with your gut *
You know what's worse than torching your money? Seeing the horse you had a feeling would win actually cross the line first, while the horse you got talked into backing leisurely swans past the post in 14th place.
DON'T: * *wait until the last minute to enter the work sweep. *
Someone has decided to put this thing together out of the goodness of their heart. We all ignore their emails in the days leading up to the race, only to bombard them at the last minute with our gold coins and then somehow blame them if not everyone gets a horse. Make their job easier, people.
DO: * *yell at the TV *
How often can you stop working to watch TV? Make the most of it. Yell "Get up" or "Kick" on the final straight and you'll sound just like the old dudes who were propping up the bar when you placed your bet at 11am the previous day. But keep it civil. If your horse is bringing up the rear, calling it a donkey is fair enough but calling it "future Clag" might be a bit over the top.
TYPES OF BETS *
WIN *
You think your horse is awesome and will kill it. Well let's hope so, 'cos if you come second by a hair, you get nada.
PLACE *
Want a (relatively) safe option? Put one of the favourites down for a place bet, meaning it only has to finish in the top three for you to win something. Bear in mind, if it's a favourite, you won't be retiring on the winnings.
EACH WAY *
Chance to still win big but with some security. It's two separate bets on the same horse in the same race: one to win, one to finish top three. If it wins, both bets come in. If it finishes second or third, you get the place dividend. IMPORTANT: If you go, say, $5 each way, you're actually betting $10.
EXACTA/QUINELLA/TRIFECTA *
Feeling lucky? Try to pick the top two in order with an exacta or in any order with a quinella. Or try to pick the top three with a trifecta bet, either in or out of order.
QUADRELLA *
One race all too easy? Try guessing the winners of four selected races and see if you can bag a quaddie. If you can do this, it'll likely be the closest you'll ever get to winning the lottery - and the payout will be similar as well.
MYSTERY BET *
For those who really can't be bothered, you can put a mystery bet on which will pick your horse for you. Slacker.
HOW DO I BET? *
Once you know what type of bet you want to place, you need to put in the race-meet code and race number. For the Melbourne Cup, you'll need to mark "M" and "R" on your slip, and below that mark race seven. Add in how much you want to wager, put your slip in the magic machine and your uber-friendly attendant will hand you your ticket. Put it in your wallet and, for the love of God, don't lose it.
Didn't win anything? Dramatically scrunch your ticket up and hurl it at the nearest bin, muttering obscenities under your breath.
Got a winner? Put the ticket in the machine and your new best mate will hand you your sweet, sweet winnings with a smile and a congratulatory pat on the back. Maybe.
But probably not.
ENJOY!
You know
what's worse than torching your money? Seeing the horse you had a feeling would win actually cross the line first.
