I'm at the mercy of meth: user

Sarah, 39, would love nothing more than to dig herself out of her life- long meth addiction. But as hard as she tries, she can’t. This is her story

Alcohol has always been a problem for me.

The person I became when I drank was so far removed from the sober person I am, it jeopardised my friendships, social identity and relationships with men.

It was also an endless cycle of shame and hate that I created for myself.

I am also a meth user. I have been using it on and off for most of my adult life.

I started taking speed with friends before going out to clubs. We would often add some ecstasy to the cocktail and the night would go well into the next day, partying on with others we had met.

We found ourselves in many strange and often scary situations. I once had a man stay in my room for about five days recovering from a massive binge and to this day I still wonder how he didn't die.

For me, it was the gear. It kept the effects of alcohol from taking over me and I liked that, no shame at my behaviour and I could go all night.

Before long, my small group of friends and I were using during the week, just sitting at someone's house and "getting on". We didn't do much, just sat around talking and revving out. Over time, we all changed direction and moved on separately with our lives.

I went away to work unknowingly entering a relationship with another person dependent on the drug, so once again I found myself using.

We lived together in a caravan and would just sit there off our faces. I can't even remember what we were doing, nothing of any real consequence.

For so much of my life there is this absolute waste of time and void. Luckily, this relationship ended and I came back home to the folks.

I settled into a pretty much drug-free life, only using occasionally. I was working and meeting new people.

Unfortunately, alcohol was still a problem in my life and there were times I would get into bad phases with the powder again as I wanted to drink but not become the ugly person I so detested. But then sometimes the meth would become more of a problem than the booze, I just didn't want to stop.

After several years, I finally decided the booze and drugs had to go. So I stopped drinking and I stopped taking drugs. It was the healthiest my mind and body had been in a long time - maybe the healthiest in the whole of my adult life.

I was proud of overcoming my demons and the feeling of self-respect I had was tremendous.

After living sober for about 18 months, I went through a couple of very painful changes in my life. One is ongoing.

Due to the pain and my wanting to numb it, the drugs have come back.

Every weekend I score my baggie and spend the hours picking at my skin, smoking constantly and not eating. My connection with the world is through the computer and phone.

The only people I actually see are my dealers. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I basically exist in the cocoon of my drug haze. This isn't living.

I don't socialise, my friends and family aren't even aware of what I'm doing. Maybe they wonder sometimes.

My pale, gaunt face under make-up and clothes hide the marks I have made through picking, as well as the obvious weight loss and twitchy movements give away some clues.

But maybe they don't want to know or don't know what to say or do anything about it, so they just don't bother.

Sometimes I wish they would. There are times when I feel really low when coming down and I want to tell them, come completely clean and get help. But as yet I haven't had the strength.

I am working at bettering my life to be decent and stable but I have a secret problem that puts all of my goals and best intentions in jeopardy.

Even though I only use at weekends, my drug use affects me during the week as well.

I've been awake for 48-72 hours, my body is seriously lacking because of lack of food, water and basic nourishment and I am extremely tired. I want to sleep for days.

I have study commitments. Sometimes I break them so that I can sleep, which puts me behind.

I feel guilty and get mad at myself. I binge eat, usually fast food as I don't have the energy or can't be bothered cooking. And my body struggles to process what I put into it. I want and need to break this cycle.

Recently, I went a weekend without using and I felt great, proud of my effort. That only lasted for the week. The very next Friday, the evil voice inside my head was there and I lost another weekend.

Meth is everywhere and there are many, many people like myself with similar stories and secrets.

It's not just affecting "typical druggies" who go on violent rampages and commit crimes. I relate to and fear for these people because I understand the demon that drives them.

The drug and the people it affects have been around for a long time but it's seriously getting worse. The violence and crime by some, others who have a not-so-secret problem associated with it is so common and widespread that I wonder how and what can be done to make a difference.

I am truly scared of how bad this epidemic will get. I am more concerned with the hell I create for myself by being a user, something I truly hope to change in the near future.

Yes, I am selfish, self-indulgent and self-loathing, like so many others who fall prey to this drug.

Please do not judge because unless you have lived something similar, you cannot have an understanding of what it's like to be at the mercy of meth.