As 2011 comes to a close I wanted to write to you about the year that was and more. This is not meant to be a “put Gerard down” list neither do I want it to be a “poor me” letter. My aim is to start the New Year with a fresh start and no longer talk about the affair except in counseling. So I wanted to get as much off my chest as I possibly could. Also I just want to get my thoughts in some sort order for my own sake to clarify what it is that really matters to me.
I started writing this document on September 17, 2011. Three days after you told me you had an affair. Some things are just snippets of thoughts, some paragraphs etc. You have heard a lot of it before and perhaps answered some of the questions before in the heat of the moment. But I have tried to limit my questions and really would like you try think about them before you answer on paper. I have tried to categorize some things but without much success I’m afraid. It is my hope that you will really read the following pages and where I have asked answer some questions for me (on paper) and with as much thought and clarity as you can. This I believe will truly help me.
Well here goes…..
…..3 days ago my husband told me he was having an affair. I get sick just writing the words and am shaking my head as I cannot believe it still. Tonight he has told me it has been going on for more than three years and that he lied to my face that it wasn’t happening. I am writing this to try and work it all out in my head. At the moment I am trying to work out what I have done to deserve it – I just don’t know. God I just want to be happy – one day I want to just be happy…..
……Well three weeks on and I’m still trying to work out what I have done to deserve it. After all I am just a girl who grew up on the outskirts of Ipswich. The daughter of two very hardworking parents who did everything in order for me to fulfill my potential. I was a gifted dancer and I worked hard to pursue my dancing. In fact I was a good girl that worked hard to please every-one around me. I was smart and found school very easy as I had only limited time to study as I was always studying after school. In year 10 I was still top of my class and mixing it with the best of the students who achieved TE scores of 990 and went onto being doctors. But for me when adolescence hit so did the fat hit my hips and my ballet went out the window in a very slow and painful fashion. In fact I don’t know if I am still holding onto that or whether dance is actually my passion that I wish to pursue.
I have blamed my depression and subsequent treatment of Gerard as the catalyst for him going elsewhere but I also wish that when I was sick that he had acted sooner. I often think what if I had cancer would he have stuck by me or opted for the easy way out. If I had cancer he would have taken me to the right doctors etc. but because he didn’t believe that depression was an illness he just ignored it and for too long. I need him to take me by the hand and get help. I didn’t know where I was or what was happening to me and he keeps saying you don’t know what it was like watching you and living with you. Well no I didn’t and it was his job to help me and get me help!! I was sick!!.....
……..I read in a book the other day- as now I am studying coping skills to “surviving an affair”, something I thought I would never have to do. I knew that life wasn’t going to be clear sailing but I sure as hell didn’t expect this curve ball!! Anyway the book talked about commitment – that with-out commitment a relationship is doomed. It said that as soon as you are exposed to that choice their commitment to their relationship changes. Gerard was surrounded in his office by people that had chosen the easy way out to not fulfill their commitment so this became an option for G. Of course he also had her in his ear constantly encouraging him to forget his commitment…..
…….Some days I look at him and think what a stupid little naïve boy who just wanted to try it with some-one else and when in the big real world got too hard and he took the easy way out.
And then I think of her…the dirty bitch that she is – she knew me and she was sleeping with some-one else’s husband even while she was still with her partner-I can’t believe they both started f***ing when they were both still in relationships. It just makes me sick the scenes of them crying on each other’s shoulder about their f***d up partners and it enrages me that he would talk to her about the intimate details of MY LIFE with some stupid bimbo even before they f***d…
Unfairness of it all…I get a husband back who is physically and emotionally exhausted, the business is on the brink of bankruptcy and who is left now to support him and save the business-ME-the hopeless pathetic, fat, smelly wife that after 11 years he had enough of……….
…………Well I am trying to keep it together on a day to day basis-only to vent and question on a Sunday night. The reason I am doing this is because I don’t want to make his life too miserable and risk him looking somewhere else for fun AGAIN. This is the complete unfairness of this whole affair thing – the person who has been cheated on I she one that has to tread carefully in the fear that it will happen again………
What hurts most.
1. The length of three years and the hundreds of choices you made and why you didn’t have the courage to end it??
2. The depth of deceit. This is what I most shake my head about-when you see me having a flash back moment it is nearly almost because I am shaking my head in complete disbelief as to how you could have thought up so many excuses and told so many lies. You could say you are so much cleverer than me I know???
3. The complete destruction of trust I thought we had. I believed I could trust you with EVERYTHING and ANYTHING and as I write this, the tears start flowing which is an indication to me that this is definitely a key point for me. It really hurts me to think that I looked you straight in the eyes and asked you if you were having an affair and you lied to me! You didn’t even blink an eye.
4. You weren’t and never will be the man I thought you were when I married you. You really really aren’t and I’ve got to get used to that. You are just a guy. A guy like every-one else who needs to get their rocks off (“relieve the pressure” as you call it) and likes to talk dirty with his mates. I don’t know why I thought you were different but I did but how wrong I was. Again I still shake my head at my complete misjudgment of character and my naivety that my prince charming would always be by my side.
5. The effect you have had on my self-esteem and self-image. The complete lack of respect you had for me as you stripped me of any dignity I had. It is so ironic that for so long you were trying to protect me when I was sick and then when I was well handed me one of the toughest mental and emotional challenges to survive-your husband treating you so disrespectfully and then recovering after an affair. If you still think of me as “weak” then I hope that perception has changed because according to the statistics there are only a handful of couples that recover after an affair and I plan to be one of them.
What I REALLY REALLY WANT YOU TO GET.
1. What you had with her was not REAL!!
It was a boy’s fantasy with an adrenalin rush every time you were sneaking about. You never lived in reality with her! Never had to deal with her family issues, placate her toddler when they were having a tantrum, clean up her children’s vomit in the middle of the night. You were never with her when she had broken sleep for years on end as her children were little and she was breastfeeding. You only used her breasts for other f*****g reasons You only saw her when she had washed her hair, shaved her bikini line, put her good undies on and when she was ready for her lover!!!!! That makes me bitter!!!!!''
''2. The strength and courage of the woman you married and you call your wife!!!'' ''You don’t know how lucky you are!!! I am a fighter and I have been fighting for what I believe in while you had completely given up and taken the easy way out!! I have told one person and one person only about this affair and have conducted myself with dignity and strength. I walked straight into your world and had to handle everything that involved including the everyday humiliation of working in an office where every-one knows about your affair.''
''3. The unfairness of the whole thing.'' ''You are the one that had all the fun and is the one that has to now do all the hard work and work through all the emotional issues through counseling.'' ''Thank you for that gift!!!''
''What you can do moving forward
'' ''1. The List:
'' '' Date night every week
'' '''' Flowers x 1 per week
'''' '' Lunch x 1 every week
'' '' One Saturday off per month
'' '' Weekend away every quarter (camping is FINE)
2. Support me with my counseling and do what-ever it takes and until it takes time to get through this.
3. Support my need for re-assurance and “attention seeking” especially about my physical appearance and “womanliness”
4. Treat me with dignity and respect.
5. Accept that I don’t trust you completely just yet and that you have to gain that trust back. I am working hard on getting things straight in my head and you have to do your part too.
Finally G I want you to know how it feels for me and only way I can explain to you is if you consider your three beautiful daughters. How would you feel if our darling ***** got very, very sick with the mental illness of depression which caused her husband to go through some terrible times, certainly not what he had hoped for and looked forward to during his young marriage? And then that man cheated on her -lied to her, deceived her, constantly put her down and then she had to cope with the aftermath of her husband’s affair. What would you feel like?? Multiply that by 100 and you have my feelings today.
Thank you for reading and writing your answers.
1. Why did you do it?
2. Why didn’t you stop?
3. Now that you say that you love me, what would you do if I had an affair?
4. What was your plan with her? What did you discuss at any stage?
5. What would you have done if I hadn’t taken you back?