Rent crisis forcing Aussies to live with the ex: ‘Really toxic’
Surging rent prices and the rising cost of living has forced Aussies to keep living with their ex.
Charlotte* and her partner had been together for a number of years and share a two-year-old son, but when they decided to break things off, there was nowhere to go. Soaring rent prices and the cost-of-living crisis kept them under the same roof.
“When we decided to separate we knew at that time that we couldn't afford separate accommodation,” Charlotte told Yahoo Finance.
“We battled through it for a few months. We set some boundaries. We had separate bedrooms, we had financial independence, we shut down our joint accounts, but we were still living together.”
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After initially trying to work things out together, Charlotte said it just became too hard, but soaring rent prices made it difficult to change their circumstances.
“It just felt really toxic. And I felt like it was affecting our child just because of the tension in the household,” she said.
“But we still couldn't afford that separate accommodation. And we knew that we were both going to need to stay in the house.”
Bird-nesting
While Charlotte and her partner have now found separate accommodation, she said the process of splitting up while under the same roof was tough.
Wanting to keep their young son in a comfortable situation, Charlotte and her partner decided to try bird-nesting - which is when the child stays in the family home and the parents take turns living there.
“On the off days, I would stay with family or friends who had space for me for a few nights and he would do the same,” she said.
“And we stuck with that arrangement for another few months until it also became just way too much.”
The importance of living separate lives
Obviously, when a long-term relationship breaks down, many people seek space and independence from each other to move on. But there is also a legal necessity for it.
Partner at Coote Family Lawyers Annelis Bos told Yahoo Finance that defining the date of separation was important when it came to de facto or married couples splitting up and one way to mark that date was by ensuring each person was “living separately from the other”.
“People need to show to the outside world effectively that they are separated. You stop socialising together. Some people live entirely separate lives within their houses,” Bos said.
“They don't cook for each other anymore. They don't share washing and household duties, so there can be a really clear delineation, and they live effectively like housemates.”
Bos said the reason this was important was so one party couldn’t try to get something from the other they were not entitled to.
“For example, if one person receives an inheritance after they have separated, the other person may try to claim they deserve half. Setting a clear boundary of when the separation took place can help later down the track,” she said.
“Assets are determined at the date of separation, so if you separate and then, four months later, one party comes into a large inheritance, that’s excluded from the settlement.”
Charlotte is not alone
Bos said there had been an uptick in couples who had separated but continued to live under the same roof.
“Being separated under one roof comes with a whole host of challenges. In the ideal situation, you would have a house that was big enough to be able to maintain separate spaces and live sort of like housemates,” Bos said.
“But for a lot of people that isn't necessarily the reality. They don't have the room. There are people who end up sharing bedrooms with children, and things like that, which isn't ideal.
“Putting in place boundaries and having a clear discussion with your ex-spouse about how it's going to work is really important. Separation is already a pressure cooker of emotions. And if you're under each other's feet while going through that process, it makes things all the harder.”
Advice is key
Charlotte said while friends and family had been a major help in getting through, seeking legal advice early made the whole procedure easier to deal with.
“A friend advised me to speak to a lawyer. She said, ‘Just do a one-hour consult, just so they can inform you of what your rights are’,” she said.
“And that one- or two-hour convo that I had with them set me up for success, and I revert back to my notes from that all the time.”
Bos said family-law disputes could get messy, and knowing your rights from the outset could make a huge difference between a quick and simple process, or a long and drawn-out one.
“Family law battles can become a sort of expression of hurt and anger but the best thing to do would be to get some good advice from a specialist family lawyer early on, and have a very good understanding of your rights and the likely outcomes in your case,” Bos said.
“Any family lawyer will tell you that there is a range of outcomes and, provided you can reach an agreement within that range, and you do that early on, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary cost and the stress of court proceedings.
“Reaching an agreement quickly … and having quality advice would be the best way to avoid getting embroiled in costly, expensive, divorce-separation proceedings.”
*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.
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