Tori Spelling admits Dean McDermott broke her heart.
The former Beverly Hills 90210 star was "absolutely blindsided" when her husband checked into a rehab facility in January, after it emerged he cheated on her with another woman during a trip to Canada in December.
"He was my soulmate, but he completely broke my heart," Spelling told US Weekly magazine.
The actress, who has four children, Liam, seven, Stella, five, Hattie, two, and 20-month-old Finn, with McDermott, is upset for being criticised for not filing for a divorce and her decision to air their troubles on her upcoming reality series, True Tori.
"I feel so judged, but it's not black and white," Spelling said.
"There are children involved. I need to try to figure this out. You don't stop loving someone because they do something really bad to you."
McDermott confessed to having an affair after reports surfaced in the media.
"He didn't want to get graphic," Spelling explained.
"I didn't want him to. We kept it to the facts. It wasn't about feelings. I listened and made sure I didn't show emotion. I didn't cry. He didn't cry. He sounded remorseful. He sounded like a husband who had gotten caught."
The blonde still hasn't decided if she and her beau will stay together.
"If I can't ever let my guard down again, then there can't always be a relationship," Spelling said.
"I always said, 'If he ever cheated on me I would be out of there.' Whether I can ever trust him again, that's the big question.
"But until I figure that out, I don't want the kids to know any different."