The one thing that ruins an Aussie night out in an instant and it needs to change
'Have you heard the one about the sunburnt cricketer who walked into a bar?' asks Adam Lucius.
Did you hear the one about the sunburnt cricketer who walks into a bar? He was refused service because he had a red face and his eyes looked a touch bloodshot.
Granted, it’s not the sort of the punchline usually associated with "walks into a bar" jokes – that's because this was no laughing matter.
This scenario unfolded for a mate of my son's when he tried to enter his local bowling club for a cold drink after a long day in the field. Security denied him access despite assurances he had just finished playing cricket and was more parched than pissed.
"Sorry, your appearance tells me you've been drinking. You're not coming in," the inflexible security guard told him.
The fact his mates, who had been drinking all day, were free to come in just added to the absurdity. It’s just another reminder of the random, guessing game laws we have around drinking in this country.
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British expat Richard Turton brought it to the attention of Yahoo News Australia readers recently after he was asked to leave a Sydney pub after consuming a few drinks.
"The first feeling was complete surprise. It was the last thing I expected as me and my fiancée were out with another couple, all in our 30s, and we're not exactly a rowdy bunch," he explained. "I didn't really know what we did wrong and the staff who do security at the pub couldn't tell us either."
Not everyone's response to alcohol is the same
And that's the thing. Unless you're walking sideways – or just being a downright nuisance and danger to other patrons – it's almost impossible to make a precise call on someone's level of intoxication.
I've drunk with blokes who can down a half dozen schooners – along with a couple of double vodka chasers – and go on to host a live television broadcast without missing a beat.
Then there are others who are speaking a mix of Swahili and Hebrew after one middy of mid-strength. It’s not a one-size-fits-all model.
The accepted Responsible Service of Alcohol (RSA) regulations in Australia dictate an intoxicated person to be someone whose "speech, balance, coordination or behaviour appears to be noticeably impaired".
Sometimes that is obvious but at other times it's very much a subjective call.
Could breath testing patrons be more effective?
Do we need to introduce a random breath test-type system where a patron can challenge his/her dismissal from a licensed premises by proving they are not above a certain alcohol-blood range?
Bouncers have it tough enough as it is, forced to deal with dickheads who have clearly had too much of the hooligan juice (and who knows what other substances).
The security game is a lot more professional than the days of the old "hit 'em first/ask questions later" era. Back then, hired goons with the IQ of a traffic cone thought nothing of king-hitting a patron if they as much as dropped a coaster on the ground.
Now bouncers are trained and regulated and place an emphasis on stopping trouble – through mediation, not menace - before it starts.
Female bouncer's excellent approach to rowdy group
Last weekend, Yahoo News watched a female bouncer expertly defuse a situation with a dose of calmness and humour.
"Fellas, we can do this the hard way or the easy way," she told a group of males who kept encroaching into a no-go zone while drinking (legally) on the footpath.
"I don’t mind you having a good time and a few drinks, but either you stay on this side of the line or you go home to your wives and tell them how this little female bouncer knocked you all out. What's it to be, gentlemen?"
It was delivered with a broad smile and there was laughter all round. But the message was clear: Don’t mess with me… play by the rules and everyone has a good night.
That's an attitude worth raising a glass to.
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