People Who've Been The "Other" Person In An Affair Are Confessing If They Knew And Why They Did It, And They're Pretty Brutal
If you've perused BuzzFeed, you might know that we've shared stories from people who've caught their partners having an affair. But you might not know that those stories often attract comments from people who have been the "other person" in an affair and want to share their side. Given that, we decided to ask them to share their perspectives and reasons with us directly, and they did not hold any thoughts back.
At best, they were genuinely unaware and also deceived. At worst, they're still performing mental gymnastics. Otherwise, they generally seem to fall somewhere between taking full accountability and blaming the cheater.
Of course, there's nuance to their stories. But for what it's worth, their motivations ultimately have nothing to do with the person being cheated on — just like those of the cheater.
Without further ado, here are 34 of their stories below:
1."He was single then and had a history of cheating on his girlfriends. I developed major feelings for him but kept them to myself. A few months later, he returned to school, got a girlfriend, and messaged me over the holidays to hang out. We hooked up. I figured he would cheat anyway; I may as well enjoy it — my shitty 18-year-old reasoning. He has been with his now-fiancée for over eight years, and she's caught us through text and Snapchat about three or four times. Since she continued to stay with him, I stopped feeling bad. That is until they got engaged a month after our final hook-up."
"For 11 years, I put my love for him away. I never asked him why. I never asked him to leave. I never cheated. We never dated, but we were there for each other. We could never give each other up. The chemistry between us was so strong and intense. It was a connection you don't find often and one I haven't found since.
We don't talk anymore. I miss him. I feel so bad for her. I still love him."
2."He was a salesman 10 years my senior and trained me at a new job. I was instantly drawn to him. He was charismatic, funny, and friends with everyone. He also had a girlfriend of nine years, whom many of our coworkers knew. After a month of strictly professional interactions at work, we went out for drinks as part of a group of colleagues. We stayed long after the others left and laughed all night. We joked about the 'chemistry' that our coworkers teased us about and even laughed about how we wish we would've met 10 years ago. When we said goodnight, I impulsively kissed him. I kicked myself and chalked it up to one too many beers, but he texted me later that night. Over the next few weeks, things quickly spiraled into constant texting, flirting, and sex. We both felt guilty, but he was adamant about separating from her, and I was truly in love. He told her and moved out shortly after, and I justified my behavior on our 'once-in-a-lifetime connection.'"
"We stayed together for four (mostly happy) years. Unfortunately, I never got over being the 'other woman' and was constantly insecure about not being good enough, that he'd regret blowing up his life for me, that he'd change his mind.
After a particularly emotional argument, I ended things. I'm not proud of how we started, but to this day, I consider him the love of my life."
—Anonymous, Minnesota
3."I was in graduate school and fell head over heels for another student rumored to be engaged to his long-distance girlfriend. He insisted they were on a break when I asked him about it. Cut to the moment she called while we were in bed, and he told her he loved her. He thought I was asleep. Even though I was shocked, I kept the affair going because I wanted to believe they were done and he was in love with me. They broke up six months later (she dumped him), and he was officially my boyfriend...until he cheated on me with someone else."
"Suffice to say, he was not a one-woman kind of guy. I happen to know that he cheats on his wife. After that, I never again slept with someone in a relationship — what goes around comes around. Lesson learned."
—Anonymous, Washington
4."My mother had just died when I met an older, married student at my university. His wife lived in another city for work. The first time we met, he told me, 'There's something special about you.' One night, we all had too much to drink. I couldn't drive home. We shared a bed and started sleeping together. It started as filling our sexual needs. But on weekends, while he was with his wife, he'd call to complain about her. A year later, he talked about leaving her. I encouraged him to try counseling while I backed off. It didn't work, so I started legitimizing that it was over and I wasn't the cause. Then, I got an STD. I asked him who he'd slept with; he denied it. After weeks of questioning, he admitted he'd gotten drunk and slept with someone. I then started getting horrific emails from an anonymous account. I assumed it was his wife and tracked the IP address. It was another woman. He told me he saw his children when he was with her."
"There were four women he was sleeping with: his wife, me, and two other women. Prior, there had been talk of us getting married and what our life would look like. Admittedly, things started to change as I began working through my grief over my mother. I became less needy and didn't need to fill a void.
All four of us — the women he was sleeping with — were vulnerable for various reasons. As soon as I started doing the grief work and was no longer as vulnerable, he moved on to someone else. He was only attracted to women in some sort of crisis. We used each other but in different ways. He's now married to the woman who'd been emailing me. I dodged a bullet with him.
I am ashamed of how I acted and had to work hard to forgive myself, but it's a process. I know in other people's minds, I'm still that other woman. I went to counseling to understand why I acted the way I did, but it doesn't make what I did right. I am a changed person now, and, in some ways, that experience sobered me up — figuratively and literally. I am now a grief counselor because grief, if not processed well, can make people do some fucked up shit like I did."
—Anonymous, Ontario
5."I was the best friend before I was 'the other woman.' I was even the female 'Best Man' at the wedding. I had recently had a nasty breakup. It felt like I was never going to find the right person. Right after I had been dumped and informed that I had been cheated on and everyone knew, my best friend told me that he didn't love his wife as he loved me and said, 'I should have married you.' That's when I became the other woman. He told me he would divorce his wife and that I was the person he was supposed to be with. He led me on for over a year, and I was an idiot to put myself through all this agony and turmoil. Everyone knew about our relationship, and while I didn't care because I don't live my life for other people, I felt myself turn into the villain everyone believed that I was."
"I was miserable, alone, and my mental health suffered. I didn't care the wife knew and that I was causing her pain. I ended the relationship and moved out of state.
Now, I'm in a wonderful marriage to the most wonderful man who truly loves me and wants to be with me. I found my soulmate during the worst time in my life."
—Anonymous, Alabama
6."I worked as a server when I was 17. One manager would always compliment me and seek out time together at work. When I turned 18, he started asking me to hang out, kissing my cheek, and showing affection. He had a wedding ring, so I knew he was married, but I liked the attention and felt special. We exchanged numbers and began talking. He would often whisper things to me at work like, 'I can't keep my eyes off you,' or 'You look so hot in that skirt,' or 'You would be the cutest pregnant woman ever.' This went on for a couple of months. Eventually, he stopped wearing his wedding ring. He told me they'd been having problems, and she cheated. He assured me that he kicked her out, changed the locks, and was getting a divorce. We then began hanging out and hooked up a few times. It felt like we were starting a relationship. Later, I found out he was not getting a divorce. They came into our work together and were seated in my area."
"It was awkward all night. When it came time to pay the bill, he left me more than a 100% tip and a note on the receipt. They were in counseling, but they were very much still together.
We had gone out to dinners and on dates walking around the city. We even hosted a dinner party. Once, we had been at his house, and his neighbor walked in on us, but he played it off and made me leave immediately. This was strange to me, but then I realized how careful he was about our time together.
I'm pretty sure she never found out. I stopped hanging out with and texting him, but I couldn't avoid him at work. He still gave me a lot of attention and inappropriate compliments like he wasn't doing anything wrong. I was young, naive, and preyed on, but I still became the other woman and was asked how I could do that to someone. I thought I was in a real relationship, but it was just an older man's ego boost."
—Anonymous, Oregon
7."My therapist introduced me to the idea that one person, such as a significant other, cannot necessarily fulfill all needs. They might be unable to be our best friends, cooks, lovers, drinking buddies, and the many things we need to be fully happy and satisfied. I've since been open to the idea that while I'm happy with my husband, he may not fulfill my needs sexually, and I perhaps need better compatibility from someone else. Two months ago, I started a relationship with a friend who is also in a long-term relationship to meet fairly often to have sex. We are very attracted to one another, and the chemistry and sex are wild. He allows me to explore the Dom/sub-sexual dynamic I've always wanted to pursue but have never been brave enough to experience with anyone else — even my husband."
"He makes me feel entirely safe and comfortable but also desirable and like a complete badass, enabling me to realize my deepest fantasies in a safe environment. I feel an energy and vivaciousness with him that I've never felt before. I feel like I am truly living my life for the first time in years.
I feel a freedom with him that can't be achieved elsewhere, a release from the daily stresses and mundaneness of work and family life. So while being the 'other person' isn't morally right, I can satisfy several needs that are otherwise unfulfilled in my life."
—Anonymous, Bedfordshire
8."I had been divorced for 10 years. I wasn't interested in dating until my kids were up and out but missed sex. A friend from a co-ed team started flirting with me and being suggestive. In the beginning, it was just a lot of sexting. He's genuinely a good guy and in a very happy marriage of more than 20 years. I know his wife; she's great. He just has a much higher sex drive than she does. He was missing the one thing I wanted, so we filled a need the other had. He'd never cheated before, and the first time we had sex, he felt so guilty. He wished he could ask his wife for permission. For two years, we've been on-again, off-again. The chemistry and comfort level with each other is off the charts. It's the best sex of our lives by far, but his guilt and shame have been so hard on him."
"After the last time we had sex, he said he felt like an addict and asked for my help to stop. That changed things for me. I'm not in love with him, but I love him, so I'm helping him (even though I still want to have sex with him!) by not flirting or initiating.
We are wonderful friends who always see each other and care about each other a lot. When we started having sex, we promised that our friendship would always come first and that we'd never lose it, so I'm glad that's been the case.
Given the opportunity, I'm not sure I could resist him, so I ensure we only see each other in public or group settings. I feel like our story isn't over, but I'm unsure how it will play out. I just hope it doesn't hurt him or his family."
—Anonymous, North Carolina
9."We were both in college and in our mid-20s. I didn't know he had a girlfriend when we met. We had this intense connection right away. Our classmates noticed it and always commented that we were perfect for each other. One night, our classmate threw a party, and we hooked up. Honestly, it was one of my best experiences. A few days later, our friend told me he had a girlfriend but never talked about her, so none of us knew. I confronted him, and he said he didn't say anything because he was unhappy; she was at another school, and he didn't have this connection with her. I threw caution and morals to the wind, and we continued to hook up for months after that. He and his girlfriend eventually broke up for other reasons. She never even knew about me. We stopped seeing each other when we graduated and moved away. We live a couple of hours apart now, and he's truly one of my best friends."
"I can't say we were ever in love, but I know we love each other. I'd never felt a connection with anyone like that before so I couldn't pass up on that feeling.
I'm glad I did it. It gave me the experience of a lifetime and someone I plan to have around the rest of my life."
—Anonymous, Ontario
10."He seemed sweet, funny, and handsome. He pursued me even when I backed off after discovering he was married. He made me believe his marriage was over and often vented to me about how bad it was. I was single, and, in my mind, he was an adult choosing to continue a relationship with me. I was no temptress. It ended when I asked when I might see him again (everything was on his time), and he blew up. He said it wasn't easy to just 'drop everything,' which isn't what I was asking."
"It was all very one-sided because he took the risk, and I was expected to do everything on his time and only respect his feelings. In hindsight, he was manipulative, lying to me the entire time, and I feel stupid for falling for it."
—Anonymous, California
11."In college, I met this truly amazing guy. We had a couple of classes together since we shared the same major. We started spending time together outside of our classes and eventually scheduled our classes so we'd be together. He made me feel like I was the most important person in his life. This was in 2005, so social media was starting to take off. A few months in, he bought a small birthday gift for his female coworker. He had mentioned her before, but always as his coworker or a family friend. A few months later, he joined Facebook, and I saw her on his page. She didn't have much on her page, so I looked her up on MySpace. Not only did I find her, but I found out she was his girlfriend of a few years. Her most recent blog post was about how he broke up with her because of some girl he met at college. The more I read, the more I realized I was that girl."
"I went from disbelief to devastation to anger and back to devastation within seconds. I had no idea I was the 'other woman' in this scenario. The next time I saw him, I told him what I knew. He apologized profusely for never telling me he was in a relationship because the relationship had started to break apart before we met. He said he felt more for me within days of meeting than he ever did for her.
I told him I couldn't see him anymore because he broke his ex-girlfriend's heart and shattered mine. We remained friendly throughout the rest of college, and I've only seen him once since then, when I ran into him at the store.
All these years later, the hurt is still there. I've never been able to trust anyone else. I sabotage every potential relationship because I don't want to get 'too comfortable.' My self-esteem has never recovered because I was once the other woman. The shame and disgust I felt about a situation I had no knowledge of or control over will always haunt me."
12."He was with his girlfriend for six years. They'd moved together to California from their small hometown in a completely different state. He and I met at a job and immediately hit it off as friends. Seriously, we just clicked. I didn't know he was with anyone and started to develop a crush on him. I didn't think the feelings were mutual, and I found out he had a girlfriend, so I knew I wouldn't make a move. He then started to open up about their relationship and how she was a horrible person who treated him like absolute garbage. We continued our friendship for several months before he told me how he felt about me, and things escalated. We knew it was wrong, but we quickly fell head over heels for each other. He was going to break the news to her, but literally days before he planned to do it, she found messages between us on his Apple Watch."
"He told me that she would take last-minute trips with her male friend who was bi but wouldn't invite him (huge red flag); when he had problems with family, she would ask him to take the phone calls outside and not give him any emotional support; she would waste all of her money on Starbucks and food, and make him pay for absolutely everything (even though he only got a little money a month from his student loans). I didn't only take his word for it; I saw many texts.
They ended up breaking up, and he moved in with me. Three years later, we are getting married this October. A lot of people judge the 'other person' in these situations. I got messages from her friends calling me a home-wrecker, and it made me feel like absolute shit. But you really shouldn't judge until you get the whole story.
Yeah, we should've waited until he ended the relationship, but guess what, shit happens. Things worked out for us, and we're happier than ever. His family also loves me (she was never invited to family functions)."
13."I was the other woman in high school. I was naive, dumb, and pretty unpopular. I was so happy that a guy was finally paying attention to me that I lowered myself to be okay with being the side chick."
"After some time, I felt disgusted, so I avoided him as best as possible. In the end, I experienced sexual assault for the first time. Long story short: Love yourselves, guys."
14."We worked together and were both in relationships. My fiancé was going through a hard time, and he was unhappy in his relationship because it was toxic; she treated him poorly (belittling him, calling him names, possessive, etc.). He started texting me, and I tried to keep it on the surface because I knew he had a girlfriend. One night, he had a party. We got messed up and hooked up, and that one night turned into a year-long relationship — dates, sex, going to each other's houses, buying each other gifts, saying 'I love you.' We eventually fell in love. He plotted to get me to break up with my fiancé, which I did, but he never left his girlfriend."
"I eventually told his girlfriend everything and even provided receipts. That sent him off the edge, and he said everything and anything that would hurt a person to me in front of her. I left that job, found a better one, and am in a healthy, loving relationship."
15."After graduating college and backpacking Europe, I moved back in with my parents. I was looking for jobs and stupidly lonely. I found him on OKC. He messaged first. It was clear he was married and looking for something extra. I didn't respond seriously, but he was charming. I could see he was also lonely despite being 'happily married.' We texted and exchanged pictures daily through Snapchat. I told him my darkest, deepest secrets, and he was there when he could respond. He was a source of validation and attention for me for five years. He regularly told me about his relationship with his wife. He deeply loved her and would never leave her, but he needed more. In the beginning, I told him I'd only be physical with him if he didn't have children and his wife wasn't pregnant. That didn't last long. From 2015 to 2019, we only had sex five times. It's been almost two years since he cut me off, and I've periodically checked his social media."
"He never gave me his full name, but he gave me enough info to find him and his wife online easily. They were a gorgeous, Pinterest-esque couple. He was the doctor; she was the nurse. They met at their small-town religious college and quickly got married. They genuinely looked like such a happy couple on social media.
After we met, we quickly became good friends. We joked about how I was his 'mistress' and how we trusted each other to 'never just disappear' on one another. That was a constant conversation — about how sad I'd be if he just disappeared on me one day.
He was there for me when my best friend died by suicide, when I dated and met new men, and even when my father was diagnosed with cancer. He even offered his specialized medical opinion about his prognosis. I knew of his wife's miscarriage and the eventual birth of their two children. Looking back, we were very different people, and he often felt more of a close friend than some married man I slept with a few times.
In late 2019, I logged on to find that his name had changed to some random letters and numbers with a little gray arrow. My heart sank since that was our only form of communication, but deep down, I knew the time would come. I just always hoped there would be a final conversation and explanation.
I truthfully never wanted to take over or be with him. Sometimes, I felt weirdly close to his wife because I knew so much about her struggles. Early on, when we met, we often talked about how if his wife had been cool with it, he'd enter a polyamorous relationship with me as a girlfriend because I understood his boundaries and never wanted anything more than that. Sometimes, I wish I could have just had an open conversation with his wife, but I never felt it was my place."
—Anonymous, Minnesota
16."It was Valentine's Day Eve, and I was hitting on this really cute guy at my favorite bar. He was shy but seemed really into it, so I asked him to come to my place. On our way to my apartment, he told me he had a girlfriend living a few hours away, that they were in a rough patch, and that she had cheated on him. We ended up having really good sex and simultaneous orgasms. He lied to me about his name the following day. I found out later, laughed at him, and brought him home again, but that was it. I enjoyed my time with him, although I could never be in a relationship with someone as dishonest. I have no regrets, though."
"Initially, I made it clear that I wasn't expecting anything from him and offered for him to sleep on my couch, which he declined."
—Anonymous, Québec
17."I matched with a really cute guy named Dillon. We met for a beer and clicked right away! He lived in Colorado but worked for a large company opening a location near me, so he was in St. Louis for one year to ensure everything ran smoothly. We were grabbing drinks a couple of weeks later, and I saw his ID. His name was not Dillon (it's not even his middle name). I asked him why his ID said 'Stephen,' and his face turned white. He scrambled to piece together some story about how 'Dillon' was his nickname from college. Things felt too weird, so I distanced myself until we lost touch. A year later, Instagram recommended that I add a friend from my contacts. It was his number but with a woman's name and face. I clicked on her profile, and it was his wife. They had been together for many years and had children together. I felt disgusted knowing I was actively dating and sleeping with him while they were together."
"He would fly home almost every weekend, so we typically only saw each other early on weeknights. This was great because my weekends were usually busy, so I didn't see it as a red flag.
After a few dates, he invited me to his apartment. He had been in St. Louis for six months, and his apartment was empty. I suggested we watch a movie. Immediately, it was clear he had never set up his Apple TV despite regularly texting back-and-forth with me about shows and movies he was watching at his apartment. He didn't even know how to use an Apple TV or connect anything to his Wi-Fi. He honestly acted as if he had never been in the apartment before. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I knew it was his temporary residence.
When I found his wife on Instagram, I contemplated messaging her. In the end, I decided to let her live in peace. It had been so long that I didn't have receipts to show. I would have stressed her out, and he would have gaslighted her into thinking I was a crazy person. He was careless, though. I'm positive that she knows his ways by now."
—Anonymous, Missouri
18."I was his boss. He's super smart and awesome in every way. I fought against the feelings, but I fell deeply in love. We both did. I knew he was everything I'd ever wanted. It didn't matter if our story was short at the time — as long as I could be with him even for a while. It sounds cliché, but his relationship was a little forced because she got pregnant a few months after they met. He was unhappy; so was she. We married a year after she learned about us, and they broke up. We've been together almost six years now, have our own baby, and are madly in love! To be honest, I can't say I regret it. He is the love of my life. We just met in a weird moment."
"I never expected him to end things with her. I knew it would be hard for him to tell her the truth because of their baby. We had our little secret for almost a year until she accidentally found out.
Then, he told her it was time to accept that he wasn’t the one and neither was she, and they finally broke up."
—Anonymous, México
19."I was 18; he was my 26-year-old boss. We worked in remodeling and maintenance for apartments. He said he was separated from his wife and had two kids. There was a thrill to heavily making out and groping on the job site with the possibility of getting caught. We didn't do much outside of work besides text or talk on the phone. One day, while I was out to lunch with a friend, his wife called me and told me to leave her husband alone. I quickly hung up and asked him about it later. He never told me they were reconciled, and she found out about us. That didn't stop us, but we fizzled out when I found someone else and committed to them."
"It was a very in-the-moment relationship fueled by adrenaline."
—Anonymous, Florida
20."I was teaching abroad; he was an ex-pat working in the country. I was dining alone when he invited me to join him and his friends. There was immediate, undeniable chemistry. I figured it was going to be one hot, heavy fling. He was upfront about being married even though I didn't ask. It didn't matter. We were magnetic. We messaged each other all day and went deeper sexually than I ever thought possible. Each summer, I had him to myself as his family went home. He told me he loved me a year in. It was mutual. Keeping our secret was exciting, and so were we. It was magic for four years. But in 2020, making excuses for him to get out became impossible. Our summer together couldn't happen. I was lonely and lost. Between work and slowly losing the man I believe is my soulmate, I had a depressive break and moved home. We still talked every day until his wife found out. He told me I wouldn't contact him again if I loved him. I was stunned but did as he asked."
"We explored our adopted, sprawling city and each other — its hidden neighborhoods and eclectic cafes. It was DVD rooms, my tiny apartment, love hotels, decadent restaurants, and dive bars. The constant language barrier made it seem like we were the only ones who understood each other; I still think there's truth to that, no matter where we were. I think it was easy to get carried away. Being so far from home, we became each other's home. We were lovers and best friends.
The ending was quite tragic. He blocked me from all social media as a bonus. And that was it. Looking back, I was curious and reckless, and he was thrilling. I've never had better sex, and the friendship that came with it was raw and real. Am I still torn to pieces? I'm not sure I can ever be sewn back together again."
—Anonymous, South Carolina
21."I was recovering from a horrible and unexpected breakup, and I rebounded with a friend after drinks one night. I knew he had a girlfriend but justified it by telling myself that no one in our friend group liked her, including my friend who was with her."
"We continued hooking up for years until he moved her into his house, and things got more serious between them. That was two years ago, and he still asks to hook up."
22."I had just gotten out of a four-year relationship after finding out my ex had been cheating on me the entire time. I joined Bumble to feel better and see what else was out there. I ended up meeting this lovely guy. We hit it off and hooked up that night. We then began texting every day and FaceTiming; he kept trying to see me again. One day, I got a DM from his girlfriend of three years. They were doing long-distance. When she saw we were texting, she confronted him. He said we only kissed. We did not."
"So I went from being the girlfriend who finds out about other women to accidentally being the other woman — circle of life."
23."We'd been work friends for a few years. He was a super sweet, doting father and thoughtful husband — the kind of guy I hoped to end up with one day. We had great conversations, and I was always excited to see and be around him. Still, I figured it was a silly, one-sided work crush. He was surprised when I left my trash, long-term boyfriend because I'd never complained about my relationship. After I explained what happened, he seemed sad and said, 'I guess no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.' It turned out he was miserable and mentally, emotionally, and financially abused by his wife. She then caught him sending me a text that said he couldn't talk to me anymore because he was developing feelings for me."
"He moved out three months later. We started seeing each other when he was still living with his ex, and now we've been together for the best two years of my life.
He still has his kids 50% of the time. He is the most amazing, loving, and supportive boyfriend I could ever imagine. I cannot believe my luck in being with him. I would do it all over again, even though it felt like I was crossing a line. But I didn't feel guilty for long at all."
—Anonymous, Unknown
24."We worked together and were close friends. He'd vent to me about his fiancée, and I'd vent about my divorce. I felt like I could tell him everything. I trusted him; he trusted me. We'd hang out after work and text 24/7. After we went shopping one day, he told me that if I answered his question correctly, he'd do whatever I wanted. I got his question right and said I wanted a hug and kiss on the cheek. He hugged me, and we got in the car. When he kissed my cheek, I turned around and kissed him. I wasn't planning to do that; it all happened. When we stopped kissing, I started having a panic attack and told him I was so sorry. I said that couldn't happen again. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about the kiss and was still daydreaming about it on his way home. I continued talking to him, and we got into a relationship. After it got sexual, I tried to end it. But before I had the chance, he ended it."
"We had so much in common; I felt like he was my twin. Everyone we worked with said we were the girl/boy version of each other. We would think the same and get freaked out by how alike we were. Before anything happened, he was like a gay best friend — unavailable and unable to hit on me. I was so happy to finally have a friendship. When we started developing feelings for each other, we never said anything.
Once we got together, he made me feel beautiful and loved. I hadn't felt like that in years. I initially tried to end it multiple times because I knew I was vulnerable and wanted to protect myself. I also didn't want to ruin his family, but he was very persistent. I fell for him hard.
After he ended things, he wanted to remain friends. I couldn't do that after everything we had done. I was completely heartbroken. Not only was I the other woman, but I fell so in love with him. He kept trying to talk to me at work, so I couldn't work there anymore. I couldn't stand seeing him knowing what I had done. I had to quit. It still hurts and will probably haunt me for the rest of my life."
—Anonymous, California
25."I met my now-husband when he was with someone else. They had been together for seven years (unmarried), so when we met, we tried hard to remain friends. But we fell in love so quickly that, before I knew it, we were living together and planning our futures. When he left her, I felt so awful. I'd never done anything like that before, so it tore me apart — let alone imagining how she felt. We moved to Italy together and got married pretty soon after. Honestly, I regret nothing. I'm sure many people would hate me for this, but if you find the love of your life, wouldn't you do anything to be with them?"
"I still think about how awful she must have felt, and I'm sure the guilt will stay with me for a long time. But in the end, they weren't right for each other and had been having problems for years.
He's my best friend, so although I hate how it happened, I have no regrets. He's the best thing that ever happened to me."
—Anonymous, London
26."First, I want to start by saying that I am not responsible for anyone's relationship. I know that's not a popular opinion, but if someone is in a relationship, it is not my job to ensure they stay faithful; it is 100% on them. That being said, I don't seek out individuals in relationships, though I am currently involved with a man who has a serious, live-in girlfriend. We had been on and off for two years. (We took a year-long break and then started talking again.) Little did I know, he had gotten with a girl. When I learned that, I was a little upset. But I was infatuated with this man, so I continued our relationship. I am so drawn to him, and we've had a six-year friendship now where we have 'dated' consistently for the last three years — and utterly guilt-free at that."
"We talk daily, and I see him several times a week. We don't sneak around; despite what someone might think, it's not a physical relationship. Of course, we've had sex, but mostly it's emotional.
He's become my best friend, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. I know we probably will never end up together, and I'm okay with that. I'm personally content with what we have. I love him, he loves me, and we maintain a healthy relationship.
He's admitted that his real relationship is fine, and he's not unhappy, so it's not even like he's in a toxic relationship. We're simply drawn to each other and have gotten extremely close over the last six years. I don't think either one of us wants to let that go. I'm sure this eventually will go south and won't be enough for me anymore, but for now, I'm just enjoying what we have."
—Anonymous, Unknown
27."I was with this man before becoming the other woman. We broke up and then started up again months later. Everything was going well. He flew me out to where he was working when I found out he was in another relationship. He was even living with this woman. I ended up staying out of pure stupidity. It didn't help that he was a master manipulator. You could imagine all the ways he was spinning this story. I felt bad, but at the same time, I didn't. The woman he was in a relationship with had also been with him prior. She knew what he was like — a cheater — so I rationalized it that way."
"I'm shitty for it, but oh well. In the end, I contracted type-2 herpes, so you could say I got what was coming to me."
—Anonymous, Texas
28."We met at the gym and had an instant connection. I knew he was in a relationship, but we had excellent chemistry. I did not pursue him in any way, but he got my number under the ruse of having a workout session and 'coaching me.' From there, texting became post-workout smoothies and pre-work coffees, and then he kissed me. He made me feel desired and sexy. At first, I was almost empowered and thought, Wow, he is willing to risk so much to be with me. It was a real confidence boost. But as weeks turned into months and then into a year, my self-worth completely plummeted. Whereas it started off feeling like forbidden love, it ended with me feeling incredibly cheap. I internalized that I'm not the woman worth marrying and sharing a life with — I'm the woman for quickies in the car and cheap motel rooms and who wakes up alone."
"I ended things when I saw he had gotten engaged on social media. His post said, 'I love you with every inch of my heart.' All I could think was that he certainly wasn't loving her with every inch of himself when he was inside me the night before. I've never gotten the nerve to tell his fiancée, though."
—Anonymous, Virginia
29."I knew this man because he was in the same, albeit extended, friend circle as me. He told me he was divorced when we connected at a friend's wedding. A few months later, I slept with him after a couple of dates. There was a knock at the door in the morning, but he sweetly kissed my brow and told me to go back to sleep while he went downstairs to see who it was. I discovered who it was a week later when my phone rang. She ultimately asked to use my name on the divorce papers. I was so ashamed that I gave her all of my details."
"I was unaware that I was the 'other woman.' I was gutted, betrayed, and felt like shit, a home-wrecker — all of that. But I didn't know! I suppose there is some record of me on a divorce document detailing me as 'the other woman,' and I hate it."
30."I'm the bad guy. I hooked up with a friend I had a crush on for 15 years when we got together to have drinks and commiserate. They were in a miserable marriage; I had just gotten out of a bad, long-term relationship. I was not looking for a relationship. There is much more to the story, but I don't want to make it seem like I'm trying to justify what happened. Suffice it to say sometimes people just pick the wrong person. I know it's a crappy thing to do and a crappy way to end up with someone I know is my soulmate, but people don't always do things the right way, and I think more people need to admit that. Cut to 10 years later; we've been married for years and are very much in love."
"My spouse's ex remarried very soon after their split, and they're doing well, so feel free to feel happy for them if you like. If 'once a cheater, always a cheater' is true, and my spouse cheats on me, then it wouldn't be the first time I've been cheated on. I'm not saying I would like it, but I lived through it before with a different partner, and it wasn't even the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Life isn't black and white. Either way, I did a bad thing. I'm not a hero, but I promise I'm not a villain."
31."I lived in a small town while going to school and hit it off with a guy at work. We flirted quite a bit, but that was the extent of it. One day, he told me a sob story about how his ex-fiancée (whom I didn't know about) had moved to Texas, leaving him with their month-old baby and no help. We dated for about six months and got together about once a week. He'd spend the night when 'his mom' could watch the baby. Suddenly, I got a message on Facebook from an obviously fake account asking if I knew he was engaged. I confronted him about it, and he denied it up one side and down the other. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until a few weeks later. His phone alarm kept going off one morning, and he wasn't waking up for it. I reached over to turn it off when I saw a bunch of messages from "WIFEY❤️" saying how much she loved him, apologizing for getting into such a bad fight, and asking if he couldn't please just come home."
"I woke him up and demanded answers. He kept sputtering explanations and denying everything, so I walked into my bathroom to cool off before I did something I'd regret — like punching him. When I got out, he had literally run away from the conversation. My front door was wide open and everything!
His fiancée then reached out to me, and we had a healthy talk. I had the chance to apologize and tell her that I had no idea she was still in the picture, that I'm not the home-wrecker or 'other woman' type, and that I felt awful.
I got to tell her my side, which doesn't always happen. I'm also very thankful she not only talked to me but also believed me. It helped ease some of the guilt and shame. I hate that he put me in that position! Last I heard, she took him back, and they had another kid. Yikes."
32."My best friend had a neighbor. I'd see him care for his disabled dog, which melted me. He was friendly, attractive, and nice. He was also in a stale, miserable relationship with a woman and her child. She was extremely controlling of him. We talked at a block party one night, and something sparked. It sounds stupid, but there was this electric feeling between us. We became friends and began texting and talking all day long (we kept it respectful). This continued for a few years. Finally, he admitted he'd been stuck in a relationship with someone he hadn't loved. We then talked about how we fell in love that night years ago and hooked up. He broke up with her the next day. The following week, I moved in. I have no regrets about being the other woman. It may look bad or messy on the outside, but as the saying goes, the heart wants what the heart wants."
"Six years later, we are happy and have a beautiful 3-year-old daughter."
—Anonymous, Pennsylvania
33."We were both married and miserable. Having an affair was exciting and gave me a new lease on life. I initially had no intention of leaving my husband. My lover tried to leave his wife several times but always went back because she tried to keep the kids from him. Having an affair made me feel sexy and wanted, which I badly needed. I had begged my then-husband to get counseling, but he refused. After two years of sleeping in separate rooms, I met my guy. Having an affair is stressful. My children did not get the same attention from me during my affair as they did before. I will never forgive myself for that. My lover saw it as a fling at first but fell in love. Of course, we felt guilty. While I didn't feel guilty about his wife — she was a total bitch from what I saw — I did feel guilty about my husband. He wasn't a bad guy. We were miserable for many reasons, and he wasn't willing to work on our marriage."
"An affair is all-consuming. It's all you think about; it's an addiction. Everyone knew, even our spouses. We weren't very good at hiding it. I never made excuses. I knew it was wrong. My need was stronger than that knowledge; so was his.
We saw each other every day for two years. We started talking about leaving our spouses after the first year, and the rough part came after we left them. My experience wasn't too bad because my ex-husband wasn't a wacko; his ex-wife was. She had also cheated but acted like she was a victim. She did everything possible to be sure her kids hated us. We were careful not to speak badly of her or defend ourselves because we knew we had chosen to leave. It took a long time, but they eventually realized I wasn't the devil, and we had a good marriage. We've been married 16 years now.
Would I do it again? No. I'd leave before I got involved in another relationship, mainly because of the kids. They ended up in the middle and missed a lot of time with their dad. While it's hard for me to sympathize with his ex-wife (because she used the kids to hurt him while behaving poorly herself), I regret the hurt and tug-of-war the kids had to deal with.
My kids were also not treated well because my now-husband felt guilty. He wasn't a good stepdad for the first six or seven years. It's taken me a long time to forgive myself, and I have apologized to the kids and his ex-wife for the hurt we caused. She's remarried now but still bitter. My ex-husband and husband work together and have a very cordial relationship. All the kids are grown now and doing well. I have been very honest about the affair and my regrets with them all. While happily married, I always wish we had done things the right way."
—Anonymous, Louisiana
34."I knew he had a girlfriend, but he always said he was unhappy. It was just an attraction at first. We had a class together at community college. It was a program attended by people of all ages, so he was five years older than me. We hung out like friends at first. It was flirty. He would tell me I was beautiful. I wasn't used to hearing that, so I melted into the palm of his hand. He kissed me one day, and once the line was crossed, that was it. I became the other woman. I never expected him to leave her and never even asked. I don't know why I did it. I think it felt nice to be wanted so much — to have someone telling you all the right things that it was easy to forget he had a girlfriend."
"It didn't last long, but it felt like forever. There was way too much drama, always being second and not having the full attention of the person you like. That was also the problem, I think. I began to fall for him too much. In the end, he chose his girlfriend and married her.
I was the one who ended it because I realized it just wasn't worth it. I also discovered he was getting his cake and eating it, too, with no consequences, and I no longer wanted to be part of that situation.
I found actual love shortly after, and I've been happily married for eight years. My husband tells me how much I mean to him daily, and he's 100% always there for me."
