Opinion: Neil Gaiman’s Wife and Her Unusual Silence Over His Alleged Victims
Accusations that the prominent author Neil Gaiman forced women into painful and unwanted sex were a harrowing read in this week’s New York magazine. The cover story addressed a lot of the same ground as the 2024 Slow Tortoise podcast, Master,” while adding claims from additional alleged victims and another layer of reporting and legal fact checking.
Gaiman’s estranged-wife Amanda Palmer also features in the article: Scarlett Pavlovich, a 22-year-old woman in dire financial straits, recounts instigating a friendship with Palmer, who then asked her to babysit for the son she and Gaiman share. On her first day of work, Pavlovich claims Gaiman, 61, joined her in an outdoors bath (that he had encouraged her to take) and then sexually assaulted her. When she later informed Palmer that Gaiman had “made a pass,” Pavlovich told the magazine Palmer’s response was to say that this was not a one-off. “Fourteen women have come to me about this,” she allegedly told Pavlovich.
Though an outspoken performer, Palmer refused to be interviewed or provide a statement to New York magazine. Two days after the story dropped, and presumably under pressure from her devoted fans, Palmer explained her silence on Instagram: “As there are ongoing custody and divorce proceedings, I am not able to offer public comment,” she wrote. “Please understand that I am first and foremost a parent. I ask for privacy at this time.”
On his website, meanwhile, Gaiman wrote this week that he has “never engaged in non-consensual sexual activity with anyone.” While his statement acknowledges that he “could have and should have done so much better” in relationships, he refutes the allegations of abuse and assault.
“Some of the horrible stories now being told simply never happened, while others have been so distorted from what actually took place that they bear no relationship to reality,” his statement concludes. “I am prepared to take responsibility for any missteps I made. I’m not willing to turn my back on the truth, and I can’t accept being described as someone I am not, and cannot and will not admit to doing things I didn’t do.”
The roles or experiences of women married to abusive men are not uniform: wives can serve as enablers or silent colluders or the last-to-know or victims themselves. Where Palmer might fall on this spectrum, if the allegations against Gaiman are true, is unclear. Still, a plea for privacy is out-of-character for Palmer who once described herself as “built to overshare.” Now the author of “The Art of Asking,” doesn’t want anyone asking questions.
While lawyers may have stopped Palmer from speaking to the press on this topic, she hasn’t entirely stepped back from airing her views in public. On Dec. 31, she shared a 30-minute holiday greeting card video for her Patreon subscribers. (Patreon has been a source of both community and revenue for Palmer, who joined the platform in 2015. According to Hypebot, at one point, Palmer raked in more than $37,000 for each post or video.)
In the lengthy message, Palmer sits at a low table covered in candles. She lights each candle while addressing a series of wishes scrawled on scraps of paper—11 wishes total for moving forward into the new year, including that “you find the truth,” even if that truth is “really horrific to come to terms with.”
That’s certainly an interesting choice of words.
Watching the video in light of the “horrific” allegations against her husband raises many questions. Is Palmer’s message driven by deep denial? By consciousness of guilt? By utter cluelessness? Is she offering a veiled message to Gaiman’s victims? To her ex? Is it none of the above? All of the above? Consider her wishes and judge for yourself:
1. A wish for safety.
“If you have feelings of not being safe or being terrified of what’s happening around you or what might have happened to you or to the people you love, I hope you feel safe,” Palmer says.
2. A wish for clarity.
“The world is confusing,” says Palmer. “It’s hard to know which way is up. It’s hard to know what to believe.”
3. and 4. Wishes for moments of extreme joy—and for financial prosperity.
“Money is energy. I wrote a book about it,” she says, plugging her own product, while commiserating with all the people she knows who are struggling to pay their rent, make car payments, and afford medical treatment.
You know someone who’s likely been in that position? Scarlett Pavlovich. According to New York magazine, Palmer did not pay Pavlovich for the babysitting work she took on, treating childcare as a favor not labor. If this is true, it’s cringe-y to hear Palmer add: “If you’re having a hard time financially. I hope things show up to help you and the opportunities come to help you out. The people who have more, let their abundance spill over into your world.”
5. That wish to “find the truth.”
It’s hard not to raise an eyebrow as Palmer explains, “I’ve been hanging out with a lot of people who have been uncovering truths about their past, about their DNA, about their partners…” So let’s just leave that there.
6. and 7. Wishes for creativity and reconciliation.
At first, a wish for creativity seems unrelated to the Gaiman saga until Palmer says, “Whatever creative act you think might help you, might take you out of suffering into more happiness. I hope you find it, and I hope you do it, and I hope you stick with it, and I hope you don’t shut up about it to your friends.”
A wish for reconciliation, in this context, can’t help but seem like a hint to her husband’s lawyers that she’s eager to finalize the divorce.
8. A wish for “many meals in peace and food that you love and can thoroughly enjoy without guilt, without shame, without complication.”
Palmer’s plea for shame-free food brings to mind two sadistic stories from the Gaiman exposé. Therein, Pavlovich recounted Gaiman using butter as a lubricant to assault her anally in a twisted re-enactment of Last Tango in Paris. After Gaiman pulled his penis out, she claims he told her to “clean him up,” forcing her, as Pavlovich alleged, “to lick my own shit.”
Pavlovich also states that, on another occasion, Gaiman “thrust his penis into Pavlovich’s mouth with such force that she vomited on him. Then he told her to eat the vomit off his lap and lick it up from the couch.”
9. and 10. Wishes for affection and “ease.”
“May you not be beset with difficulties and trauma and drama and more unexpected pain,” says Palmer.
11. Lastly, A wish for peace.
Palmer’s final wish is self-admittedly “hokey” as she pleads for peace then blows each of the candles out.
She then concludes her half-hour video with a walk to her home’s front door She opens the door to reveal a serene, woodsy view, then holds a candle up to the sky in an evocative moment of beauty and hope.
It’s a beautiful message. After all, who doesn’t want peace and ease and safety—especially for the alleged victims of Neil Gaiman.