Mr. Peanut is dead, long live Mr. Peanut.
The popular, possibly capitalistic cannibalistic baron, was killed off in a Super Bowl advertisement Thursday, prompting an outpouring of support across the Internet. Because it’s 2020 and we mourn the death of a fictional brand peanut.
It is with heavy hearts that we confirm that Mr. Peanut has died at 104. In the ultimate selfless act, he sacrificed himself to save his friends when they needed him most. Please pay your respects with #RIPeanutpic.twitter.com/VFnEFod4Zp— The Estate of Mr. Peanut (@MrPeanut) January 22, 2020
People had been trying to kill Mr. Peanut for years. And now that the deed is done, it begs the question of how and why mascots must die. Sometimes they age out. Sometimes the brands shift focus. Sometimes someone finally points out how creepy they are.
Whatever the case, many brands send off their mascots quietly into the night, while others use elaborate social media campaigns and hashtags.
And with that we must ask: Which Canadian mascots most deserve the sweet release of death?
Deserving of death
Pee and Poo
This should be self-explanatory. The mascots for the City of Vancouver’s awareness campaign about what can be flushed down the drain are beyond the point of parody.
Flush them into the sweet abyss of death, please and thank you.
Colonel Kernel and friends
2020 brought the terrible news Cineplex was firing beloved pre-show host Tanner Zipchen. But frankly, Colonel Kernel and his compatriots deserve to go more.
What makes these sentient popcorn creatures deserving of death? Everything about them. The big-chinned heroic one — apparently named Captain — embodies toxic masculinity. And then there’s Colonel Kernel himself, who seems constantly to be leading his team into situations that involve getting eaten. Terrible leadership!
Colonel Kernel is stealing valour (never served, no arms to hold a gun) and I hope @cineworld kills him in a CATS preshow— Jack Hauen (@jackhauen) December 17,...