Dave** was in a relationship with a woman for over 13 years before finding out after they split that she had lied about wanting to have a baby and had secretly had her tubes tied. After reading a story about a woman who found out her husband had a secret vasectomy, he decided to open up to Yahoo Lifestyle about his own experience. **names have been changed
I met her on a cross country trip and after three months of a long-distance relationship I said we can do one of two things. We can party this out and just let this fade, or we can get serious. If we get serious, I want a wife, kids and family.
She already had a daughter from a previous relationship and I wanted to give her siblings. She looked around, locked eyes with me and said ‘I love bambinos!’ And that’s when the bull*** started.
We moved in together and I spent years working six days a week, sometimes seven in my business trying to create a life. Make a stable home.
The downhill spiral
But after years of her not falling pregnant, things started to crumble.
We went to couple’s counselling, which took her years to get me to go to, where she continued to reiterate how she was ‘really thinking of having more kids’.
Every now and then I would get a ‘hint’ that she wasn’t being truthful - that maybe I ‘should find someone else to have all these kids with’.
But then she did things like get on her knees and cry because she wasn't pregnant. Leave out sheets from a doctor. Say how much she wanted kids and make me think that I was ‘running low’.
I went to a clinic to get checked and when the test came back without a problem, she instantly said ‘that test is wrong, you need to get tested again’.
‘I’m as fertile as a rabbit’ she would always say. I heard that one over and over.
She had been wanting me to marry her and I would have, if things didn't get more screwed up every year. I’d stayed for so long because of my desperation to have kids. But things ended badly.
When the penny dropped
After we split - over 18 months later - that’s when I found out the truth.
We had an argument over the phone after I had found an old doctor’s test of hers and she finally admitted ‘I didn't want to have children with you’. I actually hung up the phone and was sick. I realised I had been taken for a ride.
After that I asked a friend of hers if she knew why we didn't have kids. That’s when she told me, ‘Helen's** tubes are tied’.
I got off the phone and my 39-year-old ass started crying like a baby. Because I knew my instincts about her were right. I was with her from the age of 24 to 38, and all that time was gone.
I’ll admit I spent the next two years with my face at the end of a tequila bottle. It's now been a decade since she's been gone, I don't have kids, and frankly was too f***ed up to find someone else.
Am I still angry? Of course. The life I was leading was fun, I was having lots of adventures, only to have it come to a screeching halt. Because I was going to be ‘daddy’.
Three years ago she got back in touch and tried to blame me for everything. I asked if I could just get an apology, or a reason. She said ‘maybe I did it because I loved you’.
She also said ‘I am sorry that you think I lied to you, and I didn't mean to do you wrong, but I guess I did’.
While it's been over a decade. There still has not been a day that has gone by where I think what my life could have been like, without living in someone's lie for a ridiculous amount of time.
As told to Kristine Tarbert.
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