Well, if it isn’t another episode of The Bachelor Australia. The show that has more emojis than your iPhone.
As always, I’m Hi Josh and I’ve gone to the effort of watching the episode and summarising it for you so, if for some reason you were at your netty grand final and missed the show, you can catch up right here, right now! (You can thank me later, send chocolate to Yahoo7 Be and they will pass it on).
This episode is called BROOKE’S BIG BOMBSHELL and here’s why …
Osher kicks off the ep with his infamous “MORNING LADIES!” greeting, which he seems to scream louder every time he says it.
He has a date card and all the girls are like, “Ooooooooooh what could it be?” As if this card might be any different to every other card in every other episode of every other season and be something other than a group date, or a single date.
The girls speculate on who it will be, but the final victor is BRITT-ANY from SYD-EN-EY who likes to play FRIS-A-BEE (she’s not really from Sydney, but “Port Macquarie” didn’t fit in the rhyme).
BRITT-ANY from SYD-EN-EY is just as surprised as anyone to receive the date, because this is her second date with Nick and you know what that means. She’s one date away from love, two dates away from marriage and three dates away from a baby sitting in a carriage.
Nick takes BRITT-ANY from SYD-EN-EY on an A.A.A.D (All Aussie Adventure Date).
They go on a boat, which I’d say 80 percent of all dates have been on so far this season. I reckon the intern’s dad owns a boat so the producers are milking it for all it’s worth.
Next stop on Nick’s A.A.A.D (All Aussie Adventure Date) Nick buys BRITT-ANY from SYD-EN-EY a diamond necklace. He presents it the only way he knows how, like the 70s lady man he is.
Can we just acknowledge how good that diamond necklace/diamond python pun was?
Thanks, guys, I really find my identity in you appreciating my puns… it means a lot.
After the presentation of the very rare and dangerous necklace, Nick and BRITT-ANY from SYD-EN-EY go fishing.
Before they throw their line in, they notice that the intern is wearing a pair of Crocs, and their reaction is like any of ours would be, put in the same situation.
They are like, “WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE?!”
After that horrible croc debacle, Nick and BRITT-ANY from SYD-EN-EY continue on their fishing adventure and BRITT-ANY, funnily enough, snags herself a real croc.
Rex Hunt would be so proud.
Long story short, they go have a night picnic which is very similar to a day picnic, just a bit darker. They chat and they realise “oh my gosh, we are the same person! We both want kids, but not yet, we both want to travel and go see the whole world from Bali to Thailand, and we both want to settle down in Byron Bay so that we can get free tickets to Splendour every year.”
And, of course, you know where this all leads to…
SHE GOT THE IMMUNITY ROSE!!!!!!!
Change scenes because things are about to get a whole lot more serious.
It turns out that the intern’s Dad worked with the Cops for like 10 years and now he calls himself the “Human lie detector”, so after dropping off his boat for the single date, they get him to stick around and they make a whole date around the girls taking a “human lie detector test” with this guy, let’s call him “Intense Steve” this is him…
The girls are all like “oh my gosh, this is going to be the most intense date since the great netball-space-hopper date of last week.”
Tenille is particularly disappointed, I think she was hoping for a bushwalk date (she seems to like bushwalks).
Intense Steve meets intensely with all the girls to help Nick decide who to boot out.
I’m trying to think of a boot pun, it’s not firing but the punchline is that Jamie-Lee walks in to meet Steve with her space boot on.
Brooke (aka Jennifer Love-Hewitt) meets with Intense Steve and reveals something so secretive… A SECRET! Something she “needs to share with Nick at some point” and I’m just sitting here like “THIS BETTER NOT BE CLICK BAIT” and let me tell you… it’s not! (spoiler alert).
CHANGE SCENE to the cocktail party, it’s an 80’s genie-based-sitcom-themed dress-up so Cassie comes as “I dream of Jeannie” and absolutely nails it.
Then comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for, what is the thing that Brooke needs to tell Nick?! Is it something simple like “I have a sixth toe” or something much more sinister like “I don’t actually get around Vegemite”???
Her face tells me it might be the Vegemite level of seriousness.
Brooke reveals that she’s had four relationships, and that two of them have been with women, or as Nick would say “two birds”, which fun fact, are worth more in the hand than in the bush.
Brooke is all like “I understand if this is a deal-breaker” and Nick is like, “are you serious?!”
You like birds?! So do I! We have even more in common than I thought!
IT’S ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!
Who will go home?
Will it be Brooke who just dropped a bombshell?
Will it be Jamie these-boots-were-made-for-walking Lee?
Will it be Dasha who we haven’t seen for like two weeks?
It’s Deanna! One of the intruders (she’s the on the left standing by herself without a rose if you were wondering).
Well, another episode down and another community-building exercise for Australia as we critiqued, judged and screamed at the television but hey… at least we did it together.
Here ends the reading.
Until next time,
Love Hi Josh xox
Got a story tip? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org