‘I Found Something Vital – Freedom’: We Were Married, With Kids, Having Affairs
Why do people have affairs?
If the Netflix hit Marriage Story is anything to go by, it’s because people are, well... people. Flawed and fallible, emotional and unsure. It’s perhaps not surprising, then, that 42% of marriages end in divorce, according to statistics.
Chances are, if you haven’t experienced infidelity directly, you know someone who has. For some, an affair is an escape from a difficult relationship, one which they know won’t last. But for others – those in reasonably happy marriages with kids – it’s something entirely different.
These people often seek out another partner without ending their existing relationship – and risk losing their family. But why?
The people behind ‘married dating’ site, Ashley Madison, have some ideas. They surveyed 3,378 members about why they chose to stray, rather than seek a divorce. Nearly a third said it was because they didn’t want to break up the family.
That was followed by 20% who said they loved their spouse but couldn’t remain celibate; 18% who said their marriage was “too emotionally and financially secure” to leave; 14% loved their spouse but “can’t keep having sex with only them” – and 9% who simply couldn’t afford a divorce. The study also claimed members reported increased happiness after having an affair.
Relationship expert and psychotherapist Lucy Beresford believes infidelity is seen by some as a way to “take a breather” from a marriage, to explore what’s missing. “Affairs are rarely about sex, and more about desire,” she says.
“A desire for attention, a desire to feel adored, or to feel special. An affair provides someone with the chance to find out who they can be, beyond the person they have become in the marriage.”
Psychotherapist Esther Perel agrees, and says infidelity happens in both good and bad relationships. Affairs can teach us a lot about marriage, she believes, as well as our expectations and what we feel we’re entitled to.
“Infidelity...
