"Don't Do It Unless You Want To Hurt Your Kids": People Are Sharing Things Parents Do To Their Children That Are Actually Way More Toxic Than They Realize
How children are raised can certainly affect them as adults — in both positive and negative ways. Redditor u/RunningInAHurricane originally asked, "What do a lot of parents do that unknowingly screws their children over?" and the BuzzFeed Community chimed in with their own thoughts on the topic. Here is what some people had to say.
1."Forcing kids to give a relative or friend of the family a kiss when they don't want to, especially little girls. They have to grow up knowing that they get to make the decisions about their own bodies."
2."When parents are playing with their children and then stop — abruptly or without explanation — to tend to their electronics. Then parents get upset or irritated with the child when they want to continue the games. This hurts children in multiple ways by leaving them with hurt feelings and confusion. Technology has damaged interpersonal relations between parents and their kids, as well as between siblings. Raising kids is an amazing challenge that should be at the top of the priority list."
3."I'm afraid my sister is going to become one of those helicopter parents with my nephew. He just turned 5, and I get that you have to keep some things from children that age, but my dad mentioned the word 'kill' when we were at their house, and my sister told him that she doesn't want her son to hear those kinds of words."
"He is going to hear that word and hear and see a lot worse things as he gets older. She can't protect him from everything. I am afraid he will turn out to be one of those young adults who are very naive when it comes to not-so-great people — or not realize that there are bad people out there."
4."Do not tease or bully your kids to 'toughen them up.' Calling your kid names, making fun of them for crying, making fun of things they like to do that aren’t 'normal' in your eyes — just stop. This isn’t going to help them deal with bullies their own age. It will either turn them into a bully or make them emotionally fragile."
5."Don’t make your kids guilty for wanting to eat something they want to eat. It led me to an eating disorder that I’m still recovering from, and I fully blame my parents for it. I couldn’t eat something with sugar in it without feeling bad. Don’t do it unless you want to hurt your kids."
6."Teach your kids about how to be safe and aware in their surroundings, but don't make it too extreme. My parents had me and my brother take karate and taught us about not going anywhere with strangers, but because my mother worked in law enforcement, she was really paranoid about us."
"We had a family password for safety and emergencies (don't open the dressing room door unless you hear the password, don't get in anyone's car unless you hear the password, etc.), but she used examples like, 'Even if your godbrother comes to pick you up from school and says it's okay, don't go with him unless he uses the password. He could be taking you somewhere to hurt you.' It deeply affected me and made me afraid of him, because I never thought he would or could hurt me. But if mom thought he would, he would."
7."I think the most important one is 'apologize to your kids.' Parenting is HARD. All parents come in with their own histories, traumas, and backstories, and breaking through those is very difficult. You can go in thinking that you are doing your best to break those cycles from the past, but you might fail. What is more important is how you react to those failures. I have absolutely not handled situations well at all. I'm human, it happens. But when I've collected myself, I make a point to go back to tell them that I was wrong and that I am sorry. I also don't make them accept my apology immediately. Forgiveness takes time, too."
8."Not teaching children how to properly act in public and then being mad about them having a meltdown. I take my nephew shopping weekly, and even though he's 2, I still teach him we have to sit in the cart and we have to listen. He loves shopping and loves helping me. We also go over how to act in restaurants and how to handle ourselves. If you don't take the 10 minutes to teach them how to act like a human being in public, then don't be mad about the meltdown you will have in the ShopRite deli section."
9."Telling your sons they're brave, smart, funny, creative, resourceful, and so on while telling your daughters they're pretty. Growing up believing that as a girl, the only valuable thing about you is your looks doesn't feel good."
10."If there are two parents in the household, don't make one the 'mean' one and the other the 'fun' one. This usually happens unintentionally, but it creates distorted relationships between the parents and the child. Both parents need to find the balance of being the disciplinarian and being fun and spirited."
11."Telling kids they can do anything or be anything they want, regardless of social class, skin color, religious background, physical appearance, etc. You absolutely CANNOT do 'anything you put your mind to,' and the amount of damage that phrase alone did to my generation is staggering. There are some things that are possible with hard work. But owning three cars when you're not born into money? Most likely not going to happen. Want to go into space but you have some type of ailment? You're going to stay on earth, no matter what you do or try."
12."I don’t want my daughters to go through food issues as I do, and even after working with therapists, I still struggle. I always offer 'healthy' foods and keep junk foods to a minimum in the house. But she’s 10 and starting to become overweight herself. I try to keep comments about myself in my head and never say anything to her about her weight. I give her affirmations and build up her confidence as much as I can. But is it enough? I try to just say things like 'Is that a healthy thing?' or 'You’re going get an upset stomach if you eat that' or 'If you get another helping, you’ll have trouble sleeping tonight, and you’ll be really tired at school in the morning,' but I don’t know if I’ll ever win saying the right things to her."
