Buckle up, it's time for another Am I the Asshole thread from Reddit! Today our Original Poster (OP) is engaged and planning a wedding. "Everything so far with planning has been going smoothly, except this point of contention between my mom and I..." she begins in the thread.
"I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. We have had an amazing relationship for as long as I can remember. I love my dad so much and consider him an extremely important person in my life."
She continues, "The issue is that my mom does not want my dad to have as big of a role in my wedding. My mom and dad had a vicious divorce 16 years ago. There was verbal/emotional abuse by both as well as manipulation and threats thrown around."
The OP said her mom has found it hard to let go of the past. "However, this has led to her continuing her POV from the past 16+ years that my father is an a-hole, that he should go to hell, that he never did anything for our family, etc."
"With all of that, she is furious that I want my father to walk me down the aisle. Her main point is that with 'everything he has done' he 'does not deserve to walk me down the aisle' and that I am 'breaking her heart' for wanting him to walk me instead of her. I should mention that I love my mom immensely and have cared for her, often to the point of disregarding my own health...."
"....I want my father to walk me down the aisle. In my defense: It is MY wedding."
The OP then goes on to explain how she realizes it probably is hard for her mom to see a man she hates so strongly walk her down the aisle. "I'm sure she will be uncomfortable at best, enraged/furious at worst if this happens at my wedding."
"In my defense: While this hasn't happened too often, there have been numerous times throughout the years after the divorce when my mother and father have met up with one another (in public and at my mother's home) to discuss 'important issues.' Therefore, I can't imagine that she's afraid of or incredibly uncomfortable with the fact she is going to be in the same place as my father for a period of time — and they won't even have to talk to each other! I think she is really just mad at the fact that he is going to have an important role in my wedding/she feels that he doesn't deserve it."
"I should also mention my other reasons for wanting him to walk me down the aisle. I have a couple of sisters, both of whom do not have nearly as good of relationships with our dad as I do. One talks to him maybe once every two to three months and sends him birthday/Christmas/Father's Day gifts. The other, however, is estranged from him. Due to this, I may be the only chance for my father to walk one of his daughters down the aisle. I would be heartbroken if I denied him that chance to make my mother more comfortable."
"I know my fiancé's stance, but since he is usually on my side anyhow, I'd like a more objective opinion from Reddit. I'm really torn. I know what I want to do, but not what I should do. I feel like I’d be an a-hole if I disregarded my mother's feelings just so that I can do what I want."
*cracks knuckles* Let's get into the comments...
"NTA. Your mom shouldn't be interfering in your wedding like this or making demands she knows hurt you. However, if she isn't normally like that, and you understand that she's demanding this simply because she's hurt/jealous, maybe the best option is to tell her that you will not change your plans because he means as much to you as she does but that you have found her a special role in the wedding as well, e.g. she could help you in your dress while everyone else (bridesmaids, etc.) leaves the room, so she'd be the first person to see you in the dress, or something similar."
"It’s your wedding and your dad. I understand why your mom doesn’t want to see him, but she doesn’t really have a say in the matter."
"I’ve been in your shoes before, and it’s important to honor the way YOU feel about your father on your wedding day and not how your mother feels about your father. She might not want anything to do with him, but that doesn’t mean that you have to push him away because of that."
"It's your wedding, and you have a good relationship with your father. Why is your mother allowed to disregard your wishes and feelings as well as your father's wishes and feelings? Why do only her feelings matter to her?"
"My sister’s mom didn’t want my dad to be involved in her wedding, and it was actually her husband (sister's stepdad) who put his foot down and said my dad was going to be as involved as my sister wanted him to be."
So there you have it! Thoughts?!
Note: Some responses may have been edited for length/clarity.