Dad reveals how men are reduced to 'tears' by common problem: 'We don't talk about it'

Gender equality advocate Michael Ray has a grand plan to smash societal norms by encouraging dads to take a more active role in parenting and family life — and wants employers and support networks to get onboard. After becoming a single dad at 50, the former bouncer said it was striking how most parenting structures were tailored only around women, with men barely given a look in.

Ray said discrimination was endemic and stretched from dads being bullied out of parental change rooms, to himself being excluded from helping his daughter Charlie, now aged 12, backstage at her end-of-year ballet concert despite being her sole parent.

He successfully overturned the dance school's "man ban" and vows to keep on going.

Now the Melbourne personal trainer, author and motivational speaker wants to shake-up the “parental paradigm” and hosts company workshops largely aimed at dads who are also seeking greater involvement in their children’s lives, a concept which he said would hugely benefit women as well.

When asked what response he got from men at his workshops, he said quite often they were in “tears”.

“A survey done by Suit, Tie, Stroller showed that 84 per cent of men said they would actively consider changing their jobs to maintain active engagement with their child like they had during Covid,” Ray told Yahoo News Australia.

“Most of our initiatives and policies amount to enabling women to participate in the workforce, while maintaining their care giving responsibilities, which leads to massive burnout for women.”

He said women were told they could “do it all” — have successful careers while raising young children — but at the same time “we hear a lot about women’s ‘mental load’”.

Dad's 'relegated to second place' as parents

Although he said Aussie workplaces were now offering working mums more flexible options, dads’ responsibilities were often overlooked; for instance when a child was sick, men could be rigorously questioned over whether they really had to take the day off.

Similarly, when it came to men taking parental leave — a concept he likened to Fight Club; “the first rule is, you don’t talk about it” — many new dads were expected to take a couple of weeks off then hit the ground running when back at work, regardless of what was happening at home.

“With returning to work, there is no discussion of what that looks like — are you coming back full-time, part-time or a couple of times a week to get back into it?” Ray explained.

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He said the Australian Human Rights Commission found 27 per cent of fathers and partners have reported discrimination related to parental leave and returning to work, while men were twice as likely as women to have requests for flexibility rejected.

Quite often, Ray said, fathers felt “relegated to second place as a parents”, while most supports were tailored towards mums — even though one in five single parent households are headed by men and one in 10 dads experience postpartum depression.

“The fastest growing family demographic in Australia is also single father households, estimated to increase 45 to 65 per cent by the 2041 census,” he added.

Gender equality like a Rubik's Cube: It's all about 'adjustment'

Lana Sessman, co-founder of support group The Parents Village, told Yahoo News some big companies were offering more competitive paid parental leave programs for men to attract top talent.

“I think things are changing very quickly,” she said. “It’s fantastic, but we need to get to the point of Scandinavian countries, where paid parental leave for men is much longer.

“The statistics show that women have had to stay home with children as we do not get paid as much as men. It’s not a vendetta against men, it’s a whole system that’s being responded to. It’s very much like a Rubik's Cube, everything is about adjustment.

“But this is a great opportunity if they want to leave their children with their partner. For single parents, it’s still very difficult. The support systems are very different in that sense.”

Sessman said these days, it wasn't unusual to see two parents – including men – pushing a pram together and going into a change room to feed their baby or change a nappy.

“It’s reflective of society and how we are moving forward,” she added.

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