Billie Lourd on her 'complicated' relationship with grief 5 years after the death of mother Carrie Fisher: 'My grief is a multi-course meal'

·4-min read

Billie Lourd is remembering her late mother, Carrie Fisher, in a powerful post about going through the grieving process — five years after Fisher's death in December 2016.

Lourd, whose mother was known for playing Princess Leia in the Star Wars films, opened up in a caption on Instagram alongside an adorable photo of the duo playing with a friendly koala.

Actresses Carrie Fisher (L) and Billie Lourd embrace as they arrive at the premiere of
Carrie Fisher and daughter Billie Lourd starred together in two Star Wars films before Fisher's untimely death in 2016. (Photo: REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni)

“People always ask me what stage of grief I’m in. And my answer is never simple,” Lourd began the post. “I’m in a different stage of grief in each moment of every day. My grief is a multi-course meal with many complicated ingredients. An amuse bouche of bargaining followed by an anger appetizer with a side of depression, acceptance for the entree and of course a little denial for dessert. And that’s how grief should be - all things all at once - actually there is no ‘should’ in grief - grief just is whatever it is for you and that is how it ‘should be.’”

She continued, “Ps for anyone wondering why I’m posting this on the 26th it’s the 27th here down unda (aka Tomorrowland) so what better thing to post for my Momby’s Australian death anniversary (4 words I never thought I’d be putting next to each other?!?) than this picture of her and I with a koala!? ❤️sending my love to anyone out there who needs it.”

Lourd’s followers were quick to show their loving support, many of whom, like much of the world, were fans of the feisty Fisher.

“Love you so big,” comedian Leslie Grossman wrote, alongside actress Beanie Feldstein, who added, “Love you the most in the world.”

Actor Finn Wittrock wrote, “Sending much love your way,” while Frances Bean Cobain, the only daughter of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love, added, “Love you so deeply sweet friend.”

Actress Debbie Reynolds poses backstage with her Lifetime Achievement award with her granddaughter Billie Catherine (R) and actress Carrie Fisher (L) at the 21st annual Screen Actors Guild Awards in Los Angeles, California January 25, 2015.  REUTERS/Mike Blake (UNITED STATES - Tags: ENTERTAINMENT) (SAGAWARDS-BACKSTAGE)
Debbie Reynolds poses backstage with her Lifetime Achievement award with Billie Lourd and Carrie Fisher at the 21st annual Screen Actors Guild Awards in 2015. (Photo: REUTERS/Mike Blake)

Christmas 2016 was a traumatic one for Lourd, whose grandmother, Debbie Reynolds, died of a stroke just one day after Fisher.

Both known for their sarcasm and wit, Fisher and Reynolds's relationship continues to be one of the most well known mother-daughter duos in Hollywood history. An HBO documentary Bright Lights premiered only a few months after their deaths and beautifully summed up their complicated and beautiful relationship over the decades.

Fisher's brother, Todd Fisher, said that her death was "just too much" for his mother. "She said, 'I want to be with Carrie.' And then she was gone," he told the Associated Press at the time.

Lourd has never been shy on speaking about the stages of grief following the loss of her mom and grandmother. Last year, she posted an old photo of her and Fisher, writing, “Sending my love and strength to everyone out there that’s missing a loved one they’ve lost. Especially those of you who have lost someone during this crazy year. You’re not alone.”

And in October, Lourd opened up about some of the epiphanies she had after their deaths, including efforts of trying to “separate” herself from their massive careers while they were alive.

"When they were alive, I feel like I really tried to avoid doing things in their shadow," she said on the New Day podcast. "We got offered all these random photoshoots … but I didn’t want to do them when they were alive, because I wanted to make sure that people knew me separately from them and now I wish I could run back and do all of those photoshoots. And do anything with them, really.”

She continued, “I guess I just tried to separate myself from them more while they were alive. And now I feel like I'm kind of trying to do the opposite. I try to connect myself to them, because I miss them. And that's been really difficult and sad for me."

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