Barnaby Joyce wanted to go away and die after his affair destroyed his marriage and career.
The former Nationals leader and deputy prime minister also wants a sexual harassment complaint against him dealt with “as soon as possible”.
In the book, Weatherboard and Iron, the married father of four admits pursuing women for years in Canberra before beginning an affair with his current partner Vikki Campion and having a baby boy.
“When you stop thinking about how sad it will be when you have gone, to thinking, I have hurt so many that I want to go without anybody knowing,” he says in his upcoming book, excerpts of which were published in Fairfax Media on Tuesday.
At the time he ignored advice from his wife Natalie that he needed to seek help because their relationship was in serious trouble, after his years of “wandering” in Canberra and getting close to other women.
“Winston Churchill had his black dog. Mine was a half-crazed cattle dog, biting everything that came near the yard,” Mr Joyce writes in his book.
While he eventually did seek the help of a psychiatrist, who diagnosed him with depression, he sought solace by praying at a “special” rock he found on Canberra’s Red Hill.
Mr Joyce writes about how he gradually regained structure in his life thanks to his relationship with Ms Campion, his former media advisor, and the birth of their son Sebastian in April.
He has dedicated his book to his four daughters and Sebastian, writing that he wished “I could have given you a life outside the spotlight I turned on you”.
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“I wanted the best for you but was blinded in the glare of the exertion.”
Mr Joyce spent more than five years writing the book and decided to include the recent “salacious” details of his private life so people would buy it.
He also said he wanted a sexual harassment complaint made by a former West Australian rural woman of the year Catherine Marriott to be resolved as soon as possible.
“Of all the things that annoyed me in my political career, that one annoyed me the most,” he told reporters on Tuesday.
Ms Marriott’s lawyer said she was also “extremely frustrated” by the delay in the investigation into her complaint by the Nationals.
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