"I keep picking the wrong guys, and when I have a connection with someone, it never works out!"
"Why won't he text me back? Did I say the wrong thing?"
"We had a great date, and then he just ghosted. Is something wrong with me?"
Dating and falling in love in the modern world can be difficult, especially when you tend to self-sabotage yourself most of the time and not know it! You can learn how to find love by approaching dating differently.
There's plenty of dating advice available now. Yet, many people still end up in relationships that are wrong for them.
There seems to be a misconception that dating and looking for love in the modern world means accepting almost anyone who swipes right on your profile and hoping they turn out to be someone you can tolerate.
However, this mindset spurns many women to make many mistakes in their search for a relationship.
Here are the 4 most tragically common ways women sabotage their chances of meeting 'the one':
1. Trying to mold or bend reality to fit your ideal
If they tell you they are a "loner," they don’t "do relationships" or say, "I’m not in a place to commit to anyone," believe them!
Don’t convince yourself they want a relationship. Or, if you wait long enough, they'll change their mind. They're telling you, "I don’t want a relationship."
As Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them."
Rationalizing and justifying their behavior will only lead to disappointment.
2. Accepting unacceptable behavior
We can't control other people. But, we can choose what to participate in.
Do they express how much they like you and then do nothing? Maybe there are no texts or calls for a week, and then they show up again to claim they've been busy? Or, you give them another chance, and the same thing happens again?
You have to accept that you're playing a part in this behavior. They're busy. They're dating many other people, or "They're not that into you."
They are saying they like you but not enough to focus on you. People make time for the things that matter to them, and when they don't, it is time to move on and find someone else who will make time for them.
3. Settling for less than you deserve
If at any time in a relationship, the other person makes you feel sad or "less than"... run!
Many people ask, "What makes a healthy relationship?" The number one thing I answer is "The way the person makes you feel."
There are a million people who would be lucky to date you. Why settle for someone who makes you feel "less than"?
4. Not getting clear on what you're looking for
When I ask, "What are you looking for in a partner?" they’re stumped. When I ask, "What kind of relationship do you want to be in?" they are stumped.
The problem is they’ve never thought about it because they believe they have to settle for whoever swipes right.
I suggest creating a list of "ideal mate" characteristics.
Dating is all about experimentation and learning what works and what doesn’t work for you.
Yet, I don’t believe "being a modern woman" means you must compromise your sense of self or settle for treatment you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
Are you ready to love and be loved in return? If you find yourself repeating these behaviors, it's time to step back and re-evaluate what you're looking for.
You deserve a love life that's fulfilling and lasts.
Tess Brigham is a therapist and coach working with millennials and twenty-somethings to give guidance on finding love.
This article originally appeared on YourTango