Summer vacation is over, and parents with school-aged children will finally, FINALLY have a few pitter-patter-free hours once school starts.
"but if you never have kids, you'll never know what it's like to be awakened by pitter-patter of little feet". yes. exactly. that is in fact the entire point.
— Janel Comeau (@VeryBadLlama) August 25, 2023
You can use some of that quiet time to read these funny parenting tweets — and make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
They changed our school start time from 8:05 to 8:06 for this year. …
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 20, 2023
Day 71 of summer vacation: My son told his sister that she is zero-years-old and she isn’t alive yet. She is screaming and crying. I pointed out that she IS already alive though. She does not care. It is loud.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 26, 2023
Halfway through my kid’s crazy complicated Subway order, the guy asked “Where you going with this sandwich, man?”
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 20, 2023
As an end-of-summer treat, I told my 5yo he can stay up as late as he wants tonight. His regular bedtime is 7:30. It’s 7:50 and he’s outside swinging on his swing set telling me this is the best day ever. Will keep you posted on how long he makes it.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) August 27, 2023
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 24, 2023
watching my toddler do her amazing jump trick for the 83rd time. pic.twitter.com/Q41dK7QXkp
— Luke ☀️ (@RaDadtouille) August 25, 2023
Netflix / Via Twitter: @RaDadtouille
ok i’m 8 months pregnant, my husband is out of the country, there’s a hurricane and now an earthquake? a little over plotted don’t ya think?
— amber rollo (@ambercrollo) August 20, 2023
"Welcome to daycare. Here's your eye infection."
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 24, 2023
11-year-old: I'm bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.Me: Why?11: To practice making sounds.Me: You mean notes?11: No. We haven't learned those yet.Lucky us.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2023
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 20, 2023
16- *bragging about his mustache*12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours Me-
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 28, 2023
it’s funny that human toddlers go through a distinct developmental phase that’s like “does not wish to eat anything that is offered”
— worms cited (@christapeterso) August 19, 2023
Love emails like “Hi parents! We are so excited for this fall! Please create a log in for your Zerlap account, which can be accessed through your Bloppo app, which is linked on our website in a place that’s literally impossible to find, also the link is dead, see you soon!”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) August 26, 2023
I woke up my kid for her first day of school and she rolled over in bed to face me, a smile slowly spread across her face and then a fart ripped at full volume under the covers.“I’m so excited I farted.”
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 28, 2023
My kids are late to their first day of school because I don’t want to give their teachers the wrong impression of us by being on time
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 28, 2023
At a 4th Grade Mock Trial and when the kid prosecutor finished her passionate opening statement the kid defendant was so moved he stood up and applauded. This could be a quick verdict.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 26, 2023
Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023
my wife/kid are having a mommy/daughter night and when my wife asked her what she wanted to do my kid said "I would like to go to a nice dinner in Philadelphia and walk the streets at night"
— todd dillard (@toddedillard) August 25, 2023
Playing Life with the kids11yo: lol I landed on the “have a baby” tile again, like people just park their car and make a babyMe:My wife:Me: well *clears throat* some peop—11yo: oh no
— Austin J. Clements (@ClementsAustinJ) August 17, 2023
went on vacation so my kids could play on their ipads in a different state -a modern day parenting story
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) August 20, 2023
Lol my 6th grader has to call his best friend’s grandma’s landline and is very unsure what to do if someone besides his friend answers. YES YOU HAVE TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH THEM SON.
— Meg St-Esprit (@MegStEsprit) August 21, 2023
almost 3 year old in her crib: "I'M NOT READY FOR BED BECAUSE I GOTTA DO MY HOMEWORK"
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) August 17, 2023
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) August 23, 2023
My favorite part of reading a book to my 3 y/o is when we’re finished and he immediately demands I read it again but “better” this time.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) August 24, 2023
Would love to have a brief chat with whoever taught my son to roll his eyes and say “oh my GOD” whenever someone displeases him oh wait
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) August 23, 2023
Can your boss be shorter than you? -my 5yo, mixing up work boss and video game boss
— meghan (@deloisivete) August 24, 2023
My 6yo has started calling himself a smarty pants and when I asked him why he thinks that, he said “Well, I’m smart and I wear pants.”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 22, 2023
Good morning my 6yo is already annoyed with me because I'm being mean (won't let her put her foot on my cheek while I eat my breakfast)
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 26, 2023
I spent months planning this road trip down to the last detail. Husband spots a candy store. Boom he’s the hero of this story.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 26, 2023
why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco
— madeline odent (@oldenoughtosay) August 22, 2023