Raising Girls by Steve Biddulph

THE FIVE STAGES OF GIRLHOOD

In the chapters to come, you will read all about the stage your daughter is at now. We'll tell you everything to clue you in so you can be relaxed and ready. But first it's good to 'fly over' the whole journey and see how it all fits together. Here goes ...

1. Security – 'Am I safe and loved?'
(birth to two years)

Human babies are the most dependent babies on earth. Born totally defenceless, babies instinctively know that the adults around them have to love them, or else may not give them proper care. It's not enough to be fed and clothed. Machines could feed a baby and keep her alive, but she would not develop intelligence or kindness. She would be a very strange being indeed. As her parents play with her, comfort her tenderly, sing and talk to her, jiggle and tickle and love her, a baby girl comes to believe that life is good.

As people respond to her needs – both physical and emotional – growth hormones, instead of stress hormones, flood her body and brain. She instinctively knows she is loved and safe. And she carries that inside her, always.

2. Exploring – 'Is the world a fun and interesting place?'
(two to five years)

This stage is when a girl learns to be confident and interested in the world around her; to be smart and creative. It builds on the secure feelings from Stage One. She thinks, if people are going to stay close and care for me, I can relax and check out the toys, play in the garden, toddle out across the grass, mess about with dirt and stones and leaves. Babies who don't feel securely attached to their mmum (or dad) do not explore very much: they are too afraid they will be deserted.

This is the age when your daughter can be encouraged to paint and poke and build and create and enjoy the world of things, animals and people. If the people who love her share some of these activities with her, she will pick up on their enthusiasm and pleasure in making and doing. Her brain will become permanently switched on to learning. You will have taught her that life is an adventure. Strange, new and challenging things will be a joy for her for the rest of her life.

3. People skills – 'Can I get along with others?'
(five to ten years)

Other children and other adults – as well as Mum and Dad, brothers and sisters – can be difficult, but are mostly fun. Your daughter finds that she can have better fun by sharing a little, giving way a little, cooperating and playing together, than if she is just on her own. This isn't possible until about three or four years of age, and even then it's hard. But by learning first from Mum or Dad, and then other people, she discovers that she is not the centre of the universe. Other people have feelings, too.

Right through primary school, this most complex of skills – valuing yourself, but also valuing others and treating them with respect – is gradually being learnt. Again, it builds on the earlier stages. Being treated kindly, you grow kind. Being treated sensitively, you grow gentle. Being treated honestly, you grow honest.

Your daughter will decide: People are mostly fine. I like them. Let's play! She will become a 'people person'. For the rest of her life, she will know how to be with people in a happy and helpful way.

4. Finding her soul – 'Can I discover my deep-down self and what makes me truly happy?'
(ten to fouteen years)

With the coming of puberty, a girl starts to experience a much stronger sense of being her own person, a separate and private self. She is far from being a woman but she is no longer a child, either. Like a tree in winter, she is building up reserves, ready to blossom. These are the years to begin strengthening the 'inside' of her deep self. To think about what she stands for and cares most deeply about. Often at this age, a girl finds her 'spark' – something that she loves to do and which gives her joy, purpose and a creative way to make a contribution. A reason to be alive.

When your daughter gains identity through doing, and believing, and strengthening her inner world, she will be freed from the need for approval that haunts many teenage girls and makes them conformist and dull.

A girl's soul is powerful, but it's also shy like a wild animal: it needs patience and quiet to emerge. As a girl discovers her soul, she will be equipped to face the big questions of life – being wise and strong around males, choosing intimacy on her own terms, choosing a career path, knowing which peer group to hang around with. A girl who knows her own soul may be a gentle girl, but with a steel in her that is not easily manipulated. She will be loyal, tough and protective of those around her, including herself.

5. Preparing for adulthood – 'Can I take responsibility for my own life?'
(fourteen to eighteen years)

At eighteen, your daughter begins to be a woman. But before that, at the age of fourteen, the preparation for that huge leap begins in earnest. It's mostly practical – how to manage money, drive a car, manage time, eating, clothes, health, safety. But it also marks a powerful shift in attitude. That takes more care still.

Some time between fourteen and adulthood, a girl needs some kind of marker event, a growing-up rite, experience or even misfortune which teaches her that she is now at the steering wheel of her own life; that she literally holds her life in her own hands. This is a frightening realisation, but frightening in a good way. By steadying herself, and by receiving the welcome and support of older women, she can leave behind childishness and harmful gullibility, be accountable, connected to consequences, and proactive in making her life worthwhile. While life itself can deliver this realisation to a girl, leaving it to chance is a hazardous and unreliable way for this to happen. She might come to serious harm. Also, some people never grow up and their lives are self-absorbed and wasted. They drift in misery, blame everyone else and never take responsibility.

Girls have to be deliberately and proactively launched into healthy womanhood. When this is done well, the results are impressive. A girl takes charge of her life and begins to make her unique way in the world.

Extracted from Steve Biddulph's Raising Girls. Published by Finch Publishing in paperback ($24.99) and eBook ($9.99). Available now from good bookshops, DDSs and online retailers.

Contact details

• Steve Biddulph - www.stevebiddulph.com