The festival hook-up is the stuff of legends, good and bad. Either way, Wire sexologist Sasha Grace has some advice for you.
Romance is dead. Love, however, is very much alive. As long as people are out to have a good time, we can all find love.
However, it’s a special kind of love I’m talking about — the kind that involves hardly any effort and falls right into your lap (literally), without you even trying. Or as I like to call it: the best kind. There’s no better time to find this kind of love than during festival season, where the chances of doing the horizontal mosh go up 173 per cent, even for the most socially awkward individual.
It might surprise you to learn I made that stat up but listen to my logic: where else but a music festival could you find yourself penned in with thousands of scantily clad bodies? The fact these scantily clad bodies have absorbed litres of alcopop certainly won’t harm your chances, either. And if you thought eHarmony offered “deep compatibility”, that’s nothing compared with a music festival.
At any given moment, different classifications of people are waiting for you at the various stages. A heavy band playing on a side stage? Ladies, head over there if dudes in Pantera shirts, with hair longer than yours, float your boat.
That dubstep act on at 9pm? If you like them young, dumb and full of vodka-Red Bulls, this is the place for you. Or what about that synthy, 80s-throwback band from Brooklyn on the main stage? It’s a veritable buffet of girls in high-waisted denim shorts and guys with foppish fringes and ironic moustaches.
But before you embark on your festival journey of love, The festival hook-up is the stuff of legends, good and bad.
My friend, The Player, is all for festival hook- ups. He loves it because of the options. He can hook in with 10 different girls at a festival just by going from one 18+ area to another.
Festivals, by their nature, are too loud to talk and not well lit; girls/guys look a lot better than what they are and you probably won’t have to expend much effort on small talk. Hand gestures can be quite useful.
On the negative side, if you make hooking up a priority, rather than an opportunity, you could lose the chance to share a great moment with the friends you came with. You might also lose your wallet. Or worse, your pants.
After hooking up with a girl in his tent at Southbound, The Player passed out. The girl left with his wallet. My girlfriend, The Babe, was hooking up with a guy in the portaloos and someone reached under the door and stole her shorts (presumably because they were holding up the line to the toilets). The Babe then had to spend the rest of the day wearing the guy’s boxers. Not ideal.
So, if you’re looking for some easy lovin’, follow my tips to ensure your festival hook-up is more successful than trying to get phone signal in a crowd of 20,000 punters. If you thought eHarmony of ered “deep compaibility”, that’s nothing compared with a music fesival.”
1 USE PROTECTION Pack some sunscreen. The last thing you want is to be bumping uglies when said uglies have third-degree sunburn.
2 THE CLAP IS NOT A PUNK BAND OK, so it IS a rock band from Dublin but we’re talking about STIs, people! Take condoms. Even if you don’t get lucky, they make awesome objects to bounce around the moshpit.
3. KNOW YOUR PRODUCT You’ll greatly increase your strike rate if you can sing along to the random B-sides that get played at festivals. No one wants to shag the person who only knows the latest hit.
4 LAST RESORT Portaloos might seem too good to be true but don’t be fooled by the lockable door — you can find better, less stinky locations to get your freak on.5 NO MEANS NO Dubstep fans shouldn’t breed, even accidentally.
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