It has been brought to my attention that I may have offended the entire nation of New Zealand with my blog, 'New Zealanders Speak Funny' (see below).

It seems that when I wrote that blog I may have inadvertently observed that the Kiwi accent was less than pleasing to the ear.

Without meaning to I may have compounded my mistake by suggesting the Kiwi cadence occasionally sounds like, "a raucous belch in a crystal Cathedral".

I was wrong. I have been apprised of my 'wrongness' and I now wish to apologise especially to Leonard (see comments).

Sorry.

Very sorry.

I now realise that whenever the words meliflouous or lyrical are spoken it is soley in respect of the Kiwi accent.

I hope you accept my apology on behalf of myself and all Australians including Coach Robbie Deans.

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New Zealanders speak funny 

If the Kiwi accent were a country it wouldn't be New Zealand. It'd be a parched barren land on the edge of a desert with a name ending in ‘stan', where the pitched screech of its ceaseless winds sends sane men mad and mangy dogs cowering into corners.

With the honourable exception of South Africa is there any accent on earth less pleasing to the ear?

How can this be? It makes no sense. France, a land of élan and 'lurve' has an accent to match. Ireland with its gentle mists and rolling emerald hills is blessed with a lilt that's positively broguealicious. But New Zealand? Ugh. And that's not the boots.

Have you listened to them talk? It's English but not as we know it. Ay Bro? Choice.

It seems so wrong. The bloody country is so bloody beautiful. How can such a majestic place end up with an accent so tonally tormenting? To its peaches it needs cream, not WD40.

Yes, I know the Aussie accent hardly allows me to speak with oral authority or stand on the aural high ground. But, that said, compared to ‘Kiwi' the Australian cadence is cheerful bird song on a spring morn. ‘Kiwi' is the neighbours' leaf blower that causes that sweet bird to fly, fly, fly away.

Now the reason I've worked myself up into this linguistic lather is I was recently watching those very funny spoof ads the ABC ran on how to sell an invasion of New Zealand. And I got to thinking, if we did invade and did win then what should be the first Act passed on behalf of our new subjects?

It'd have to be the Language Act 2008. A compulsory vowel movement to stop Kiwis strangling the damn things.

Honestly, it's for their own good. I went over to New Zealand not so long ago and one night watched their evening news. It was an aural assault close to torture. If the Americans locked Osama Bin Laden and the two N'zed newsreaders I saw ‘reading' that night in a tiny room at Guantanamo Bay, he'd be a broken man, ‘fessing up to everything before they'd even got to the ‘fushing report'.

Teach them to speak proper is what I say. And until they can no Kiwi subject of the great Commonwealth of Australia will be allowed to mutter one word in public. I'm sorry Kiwis there'd be no point resisting. It's better for all if you throw in the vowel.

Tgh lv.

But of course we all know an invasion is not really on. Apart from the fact that they'd be an outside chance of winning, after a while they'd flee to the hills (and there are plenty of those) and launch some horrible little insurrection that just wouldn't be worth the time and money to fight. Which, unfortunately, still leaves the elephant in the room or, in this case, the small flightless bird clutching its papaya and pineapple cocktail.

I have a lot of Kiwi friends but to my shame I've never had the heart or the gumption to tell them that they sound, even on the best day, like a raucous belch in a crystal Cathedral. It'd break their loveable little hearts.

That's what I am. I'm an enabler. And the time has come for me and for all of us to stop. They're our ANZAC buddies; it's the least we can do. Tomorrow Australians all should girt (er, gird) our limbs, square our shoulders, suck it in and for our sakes and their sakes come straight out with it and say to our New Zealand brothers and sisters ....

... "you speak funny".