It's a bold statement, I know, but I reckon I'd thrash the new Federal Minister for Health, Nicola Roxon, in a drinking contest.

If the shiny haired Minister marched into my office at midday and said,

"Right, you and me. Long lunch. Now!" I'd be on.

Even I was forced to drink what I imagine is her favourite tipple of Bacardi and diet coke I'd still back myself. By the time she got to the, "you're the only true friennnd I'sh got" stage I'd be still at the ‘how amusing am I' point.

Sadly, Nicola would be facedown by sundown.

I am well tough I am.

But it isn't going to happen.

As you may or may not know Nicola recently donned the captain's shorts for the Australian National Wowsers team and strode on to the field of play with a full on lecture about how four middies or pots of beer a day are a lifetime pass to binge drinking. Welcome to power Nicola. Welcome to the cherished Australian tradition of those in authority going the finger-wag at the first available opportunity.

Ignoring the fact that alcohol has given us Winston Churchill, Dylan Thomas and ... the Irish (and for the Teetotallers team may I present ... Mr. Adolf Hitler), Nicola went the sanctimonious slog. As Australians everywhere sat huddled listening to her fireside address, she collectively sent us all to the national naughty chair (by the way, it's just north of Hobart but not quite as far as Launceston) over our tendency to tipple.

Whatever happened to the notion that we elect people to serve us not lecture us?

There is an ongoing battle in Australian life between the yin and yang of our national spirit - between our larrikin tendency and the wowsers among us.

Let me give you another example. I have a friend in the very late stages of her pregnancy. She's as round as the day as long and due to drop any moment. Recently she went to a friend's hen's party. At the lunch she had one glass of wine and later, much later, drove home. On the way she was stopped at an RBT.

"Have you been drinking?" said plod.

"I've had a glass of wine" said my friend.

"In your condition!" He sneered.

"Pardon"?

"In your condition you shouldn't be drinking" lectured plod.

She blew into the bag and passed with flying colours only to cop, from the cop, another spray for her lawful though pregnant effort. She drove away in a fury. Humiliated and embarrassed for no reason. Who promoted Constable Plod to head of the Moral Police? If that's what we wanted we'd all live in Iran.

Same deal for the parents of kids in weekend sporting teams who've been instructed that they can no longer take photos of their boys and girls without written permission.

That's really going to have those paedophiles hiding in the bushes quivering in fear ...

... not.

But what slapping a ban on taking snaps in a public space in a free country does do is to make innocent parents and their innocent kids feel like crims.

Yeah, let's ban memories.

It's an over reaction but sadly too typical of Australian authority, like outlawing the Mexican Wave at the cricket. I hate the damn thing but I'll defend to the death the right of people to stand and wave their hands like idiots in the name of a laugh. When we've reached the stage of regulating fun you know something's gone badly wrong.

Yes, there's nothing as irritating as smug and self-righteous authority.

With that in mind I've come up with a solution. Given their tendency for the heavy handed I'd respond in kind. I'd make it illegal to finger-wag while in a position of power. A maximum of five years in jail.

I'd be fair. There'd have to be a trial.

Beginning of Trial.

"Nicola Roxon on the charge of egregiously lecturing the Australian public on the evils of drink while in a position of power, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty"

End of Trial.

Judge fixes black hat on head. Judge fixes stern look. "Ms Roxon I have studied all the evidence before me and on the charges of being smugly self-righteous whilst holding public office I find you guilty. Your finger-wagging and abject lack of contrition means I have no choice but to sentence you to the maximum of five years hard labour. Take the prisoner down"

Yes, yes, it might seem like an over reaction but it's straight from the wowsers play book and if it were to make politicians and bureaucrats overcome their natural tendency to ban Mexican waves or a quiet social drink or taking photos of your kids; or to lecture a good woman during an RBT test well, then, I'd drink to that.