Before I delve into this week’s blog, I feel it necessary to warn anyone with a weak constitution to turn back now.
If the thought of bodily functions displeases you, or makes your stomach churn, then this is not for you.
And so I begin.
Not so long ago, we were having what the kids term `a fancy dinner’ – at the big dining table, complete with the good cutlery, the best glassware, and a new tablecloth.
Mostly, through convenience, we all sit at the kitchen bench for dinner.
But when time and planning allows, we’ll go the whole hog.
The kids get in on the act – helping to prepare the menu, and set the table – learning that knives go on the right and forks go on the left.
It’s meant to be all about learning basic table manners… though it seems polite dinner conversation is something we still have to work on.
You see, it was at this `fancy dinner’ that 5-year-old Sassy Princess made a rather startling admission.
Just as we’d all sat down to enjoy our meal, she announced matter-of-factly, “I picked a giant booger out of my nose at school today.”
Now how’s that for a conversation starter? It wasn’t just what she said, but how she said it and when she chose to say it.
It was as though it had been the highlight of her day.
It took a few seconds for the realisation to sink in.
Then her brother erupted with peals of laughter.
I sat there opening and closing my mouth like a goldfish not knowing quite how to react.
Her father needed more clarification.
“You did what?” he asked.
“I picked a giant booger from my nose,” she repeated more confidently, pointing quite definitively at her nose.
“And I rolled it up and flicked it,” she added for good measure.
Then my husband and I made the mistake of making eye contact.
As laughter bubbled in our throats, he embarked on a coughing fit.
I sucked in my cheeks and held my breath.
‘Composure…must set an example,’ I told myself.
But, how does one keep a straight face in such a situation?
The Junior SNAG was no help at all.
He was doubled over, cackling. Tears streamed down his face.
“That’s quite revolting,” I told Sassy P firmly. “What if all the kids did that?”
“Oh but they do,” replied Sassy P. “That’s why I did it.”
Another barely disguised choking fit from the husband.
As I started explaining the not-so-niceties of nose picking: the germ-spreading and so on… Sassy P, noting the reactions of her father and brother, moved on to another subject.
Then, with a gleam in her eye, she announced, “And, I peed in the pool at swimming lessons on Tuesday.”
That was it. All sense of decorum was lost.
But Sassy wasn’t finished…
“And you were wrong mummy’” she added. “My togs did NOT turn purple.”
I had told her the fib I was told as a kid – that if you wee in the pool – your togs change colour.
I’d never been game enough to test the theory… just in case it was true. No such concerns for my daughter though.
It was then that her brother, recovered slightly from his laughing fit, joined in.
“And I made fart bubbles during my swimming lesson,” he said.
“Then I pretended Lily did them.”As I threw up my hands in mock exasperation, there was more laughter from the other three sides of the table.
Yes, bodily function humour is definitely BIG at our place at the moment.
A burp, or blowing a raspberry that sounds like breaking wind, is enough to bring the house down.
I too remember the hilarity of it all – and also know that it’s a phase that will one day pass.
At least I hope it will…
Though if Junior SNAG and Sassy P are anything like their father… it’s anyone’s guess.@SallyEeles
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